Satirical Commentary Gifts

'False alarm! I'm back. It was only a career suicide.'

It's only a sin if you talk about it

"Of course you can resign Ferguson. How would you like to buy back your freedom? Cash, credit card or easy payments?"

All Harold's aptitude test showed is that he had an aptitude for taking tests.

"She's a show dog...purebred, of course." "That's great! My guy's a Sanskrit scholar...wrote for the Harvard Lampoon."

Trump

'What makes you think I want a trophy wife?'

"Actually, I think it's a cluster of SCUD missiles heading our way!"

The trap

"Can you hear me now?"

"Well, you can't say they didn't warn us."

Peace bomb.

Corporate Punishment.

'Oh, that's a deduction to pay for management perks.'

That's nothing. You should see what he writes in the comments section.

"I can check again, but Mr. Saunders usually insists on the full wait."

'It's good you called me when you did, Bill. Believe it or not, a little speed-bump like this can derail a perfectly good career if it isn't handled just right!'

"Do we wait for it to be approved as an antibiotic, or do we go ahead right now and sell it as furniture polish?"

"It's the press. They want to know if you have anything to say about the sexual harassment charges being levied against you."

'If we're to be able to afford a cutting edge IT system then we have to make sacrifices...and you're ours.'

'It'll make 'feet' obsolete!'

"Any family history of stroke? Diabetes? Bankruptcy?"

"You seem to have the right combination of bitterness, pessimism, and caffeine consumption that we're looking for."

'Don't tell the Fuhrer I filled the war head with jellybabies, you know upset he gets.'

'This is what we call a 'patient'...you MAY find some reference to one of them on page 435 of your manual.'

China deploys troops to prepare for an American invasion of North Korea. Russia warns that if America attacks Syria again, Russia will respond with force. Y'know, last time we had a world war, we weren't the ones everyone was defending themselves against. Sometimes when you're playing tag, it's more fun to be "it." We should have out own political show.

"And you say these stabbing back pains started when you got into politics?"

"I usually vote for whoever promises to cut the most tax."

"Ask Sadie Advice Hour," what's your problem?! Kanye West said he's running for president in 2020, and I don't know whether to weep or move to Canada. Canada Canada Canada! Everybody always wants to move to Canada whenever they think the USA has taken a turn for the worse! None of you lily-livered quitters could stand a single Canadian winter, let alone stare down a moose at six paces. You want Canada? You can't handle Canada! How tall is a moose?

'I always vote for the candidate I think will do the least damage.'

'You are accused of internet fraud. How do you wish to blog?'

This could be your blurb.

Official in flooded office says: 'A decision on lifting the hosepipe ban will be made in due course.'

Stopping Coronavirus

"If the stock market fluctuates due to the emotions of mostly men, isn't there some kind of hormonal therapy available to level those out for them?"