Satirical Scholars Pillows

'How to time the market' seminar - 2pm, postponed to 3pm, then to 4pm.

Learn to Be a Critic In The Privacy Of Your Own Home With The Apex Correspondence School Of Criticism!

"I'm going out on a limb here, and sincerely apologize to my constituents today for the misappropriations and bribes I will take if I'm elected governor."

"Your personality test shows you are selfish, mean, and lazy. We'd like to offer you a position in management."

Let me take this opportunity to let you know I'm ready for any odd jobs...

'Funny you should mention that - I happen to be involved in a joint research project with the Department of Agriculture for the express purpose of getting blood from a turnip.'

Occu-Pie Mars

They're Not Just That Into It

"Third quarter numbers were good after we cut our global workforce three to two."

'Our admission policy is now simplicity itself. If you have the tuition, you're in.'

Molecular Biology and Cosmology buildings

Vote Centrist to Keep Things Exactly as Awful as They Are

'Call me immediately if there's any serious side effects so I can notify my lawyer.'

"I chose to stand up to special interest groups!"

Man Eating Minimalist Meal

All Harold's aptitude test showed is that he had an aptitude for taking tests.

Reverse psychology

The World's Biggest Book Club

Strainspotting

"Professor, we need you to stop. The Student Union has decided that the earth is flat."

Admissions test for the Danbury Institute of Philosophy

'Stop emailing me, I am standing right here.'

'I'd go back if I were you.'

"David live a rich, full life, despite what his Wikipedia page says."

Our college is tuned to the students' every need! Campus Visits. We have body image awareness week. Safe sex awareness week. Bullying, drug use and tolerance awareness weeks. What did I miss? Welcome. History, math or English awareness week? Great idea. I'll suggest that.

'A man has to believe in something. I believe I'll have another drink!'

T.S. Eliot lacks the courage to eat a peach.

"In school we learned about Staten Island. Is that where they make all those pills you take?"

'I have no one to blame but myself, for now.'

"Before we decide if you can get in we have to watch a film review of your life..."

'If executive bonuses are outlawed, only outlaws will have bonuses.'

"Hey germ, pick on someone your own size."

"Yes, but you were the defender of the wrong faith."

'Johnson, if you're going to have negative thoughts, I suggest you get rid of that thought balloon!'

"I'm not going to lie. It took a large speaker's fee to get me to say your future is bright."