Scholar Of Satire Pillows

"How can a student who can't speak English or Gobbledegook expect to pass?"

"I'm expert at sniffing out blame."

'Our admission policy is now simplicity itself. If you have the tuition, you're in.'

Molecular Biology and Cosmology buildings

"It's made entirely out of rejected resumes."

Beckett for Beginners: "Waiting for Thumbkin"

"International best seller! It's just a squirrel."

'How to time the market' seminar - 2pm, postponed to 3pm, then to 4pm.

"Professor, we need you to stop. The Student Union has decided that the earth is flat."

'Fyodor Dostoevsky sends weeks describing Alexy Karamazov's quest for a white whale, and then discards the entire chapter."

T.S. Eliot lacks the courage to eat a peach.

Bureaucracy gone mad!

Learn to Be a Critic In The Privacy Of Your Own Home With The Apex Correspondence School Of Criticism!

"Before we decide if you can get in we have to watch a film review of your life..."

'Probably giving evidence at some sort of industrial tribunal....heh!'

"Yes, but you were the defender of the wrong faith."

'Yes, your papers seem to have lots of citations, but I've checked: They're all self-citations...'

'Upon further review, the pig did not have control of the ball prior to being eaten...'

"I hate weddings. They make me feel a momentary lapse of cynicism."

The Modern Damocles -

William Makepeace Thackeray.

"Your book stinks—we want to publish it."

The Unknown Philosopher, who first realised life is no picnic.

Bachelors and Masters degrees.

'If asked, we should all agree that this seminar never happened.'

"I'm going out on a limb here, and sincerely apologize to my constituents today for the misappropriations and bribes I will take if I'm elected governor."

Monkey Business College

"Your personality test shows you are selfish, mean, and lazy. We'd like to offer you a position in management."

Waiting Room For Godot.

'I just read 'Moby Dick'...do you have anymore 'whale hate' literature?'

"Maybe I will and maybe I won't - You're not prejudiced against transvestites, are you?"

Bureau of Missing Door Knobs