Satire Believer Gifts

God's turnaround time.

'The wheel was great, but what have you done for me lately?'

Trump Administration Raising White Flag in Ukraine

Occu-Pie Mars

'That's our mission statement.'

'And remember to emphasize we're giving them the opportunity to find a better job.'

UK/US Free Trade Deal

'We've financed three more startups for no fathomable reason.'

"And isn't it time we replaced the worn-out, meaningless cliches in our mission statement with some dazzlingly new meaningless cliches?"

(oil - petroleum - gushing out of inkwell)

"I believe we've found the weakest link."

"Boss, the AI is actually smarter than all of us! It read our business forecast, jumped up and ran out laughing!"

Trump pardons

'I'm judging by your silence Al that you're giving me the green light on the Greenwich project. I just want to say that I admire your leadership. I guess that's why you've been running this company for 20 years.'

"The water changes them back into babies. I think they call it the Fountain of Youth."

Do Not Resuscitate

Man is stopped from entering doctor's surgery by a receptionist dressed as a bouncer.

UK border controls relaxed.

'His best qualities are circumventing questions and evading answers.'

"Why don't we switch off the news and give Brexit up for Lent?"

'Sire, Sodom and Gomorrah are requesting Federal disaster relief aid.'

Oligarchy

"Our Summer Citrus IPA contains your full daily requirement of fruit and fiber."

"Away with the warmonger!"

'You realize, we can't use the 'benign neglect' method for everything.'

"I need a deeper access to his brain. Only google has the records."

"I can't decide what I fear the most, Putin's Russia or Putin's America."

'You're going to have to make some changes in your lifestyle.'

This Message Has No Content

National Everything Awareness Day

"This software will cut my workload in half, so I purchased two."

'You can just forget about the cake.'

"And now here's Cathie with the hypothetical portion of the news."

Baby's first thought...Daddy's a moron.

"Read our contracts, Ms Donahue. It says 'No Sexual Harassment on the workfloor!'"