Sassy Gift Receiver Pillows

Dear Santa- Thanks for the awesome gift! p.s. did you know cellphones have built-in calculators? p.p.s. you suck.

'Here you go, kid! A worm.'

"Cheers! Well, this is exciting. I've never had a dinner date with a duck before." "Relax, honey. I'm just here for the bread."

"All natural snow cones for sale."

Lactose Intolerant

'So where do you think pineapple juice comes from?'

Another day at work would be one too many...

'They help with my nicotine patch addiction.'

A golden Big Boy holding a plate of poop

Excess Baggage: Some people take getting away from it all very seriously.

"Happy Anniversary, dear! It's a gold spray-painted macaroni necklace."

You don't need to believe EVERYTHING you are told.

"It's my home grown quail call. Quail don't come when I blow it, but cows sure do."

"And at no extra charge I can give your old suit a Viking funeral."

'We have three minutes left.'

Diner

Whittling a forget-me-not moose for the one you adore...

Fly fishing.

That must be my computer date... (Answers door to robot).

High speed cinder block

"It is my place!"

"Oh, Oh, Oooohh!"

'Will you be wanting this?'

Rent a Room With Hot Water

Bio-Engineered Fruit of the Month Club

'It's too cheap, can I haggle you up?'

'Your deceased husband keeps saying: don't call him. He'll call you.'

'We may need to remove your spleen because it might not be doing whatever it is the spleen does.'

'I can't believe an Alligator stole my identity... I mean, it's quite obvious I'm a Crocodile!'

My therapist cured me of using humour as a defense...these days I pack a .45.

-"What has this got to do with communication?" -"It's my invention...the hand smiley."

'Have there been any side effects from the medicine?'