Curious Gift Receiver Pillows

'The web is a great educational tool for wine lovers. Right now, Jim is learning how much his brother spent on the bottle he gave for his birthday.'

"Cheers! Well, this is exciting. I've never had a dinner date with a duck before." "Relax, honey. I'm just here for the bread."

"And as soon as he's on the mend,we'll get the physiotherapist in here with a ball of twine."

Lactose Intolerant

"The following programme contains scenes of a very noisy vacuum cleaner."

God putting the finishing touches to the Pug.

All bets are off as Round One begins in the "Dollars versus Donuts" World Championship title fight.

'Take my tip,sonny and say it with jelly babies.'

Ball as water-melon.

"'How We Die' - fabulous!"

A watch face with Stonehenge

'Powdery stuff? Oh, that's egg substitute, from the Vegan lobby.'

"Happy Anniversary, dear! It's a gold spray-painted macaroni necklace."

"And at no extra charge I can give your old suit a Viking funeral."

'It's another corporate lawyer...do we want to buy a soul?'

Balloon dog poos.

"It is my place!"

Where Deviled Eggs come from

That must be my computer date... (Answers door to robot).

"Waiter, this is the worst meal I've ever tasted. And believe me, I've eaten some crap!"

Kissing the Fish

Customer entering bank that is touting number of toasters given away

'I had no idea would be a choice.'

'Oh, we have an excellent benefits package ??" major medical, dental plan, vacation, retirement, nude encounter sessions....'

Rent a Room With Hot Water

Santa's Helpers

"Roadkill cookies"

'Six years ago you received a complimentary set of steak knives. You thought they were free didn't you Jimmy?...'

"Pass that."

'We may need to remove your spleen because it might not be doing whatever it is the spleen does.'

"Sometime I feel people go out of their way just to scare me."