Improbable Gift Receiver Pillows

Man on a desert island unwraps his Christmas gifts. They're all coconuts.

"But he had a mask and I thought he was a burglar."

"Gift"

"It is my place!"

This year Mike decides to make his own Valentine's cards.

"Shouldn't have, you really."

"Remember when we talked about how you send mixed messages. . ."

'Hand these out to the workforce.'

I didn't realize our pitch had such a lovely view...

'I'd be more impressed that you bought me flowers if you didn't take a job as a delivery boy to get the employee discount.'

"I can't afford to feed you."

"I'm looking for something that the recipient will be too embarrassed to regift."

Fast Food Menus

The Penultimate Temptation of Christ

"When I said I wanted a pet, I meant a dog."

'I know yesterday was your birthday, but you're so hard to shop for.'

Vampire picking up his blood delivery (Type O, Type A, and Type B).

"Baby's First Book of Retirement Planning...?"

"A birthday gift card? Really?"

Dear Santa- Thanks for the awesome gift! p.s. did you know cellphones have built-in calculators? p.p.s. you suck.

"It was heaven before this."

Roo felt a little cheated with his new Christmas present.

'Maybe he said store the wine horizontally...'

'-with every bottle comes our free Jujitsu course!'

"Happy birthday!"

"My wife's bra size? I don't know, about like this I guess."

Seltzer paste.

Do you know why the kitchen ceiling is dripping?

Jill and Ted fought to the point of complete exhaustion over the placement of, ironically, a wedding gift.

Very rough-looking tattooed thug on his way to the 'Gentlemen'.

She collected ceramic pigs. Only one so far, but even that was one too many.

'No, I won't pay $200 for a silk top hat for your snowman!'

Ockham chooses a razor