Ironic Gift Receiver Pillows

Very rough-looking tattooed thug on his way to the 'Gentlemen'.

"But he had a mask and I thought he was a burglar."

Introducing... The Everything Else Morning-After Pill!

"It is my place!"

"Shouldn't have, you really."

I didn't realize our pitch had such a lovely view...

'I'd be more impressed that you bought me flowers if you didn't take a job as a delivery boy to get the employee discount.'

"I can't afford to feed you."

The Penultimate Temptation of Christ

"Every Sunday, the same thing: we watch the ducks from Bow Bridge, I think about pushing you in, and then we go to that stupid Mexican place."

Fast Food Menus

Visit Santa today...sponsored by Acme Razor Company

An Anarchist's Christmas

"When I said I wanted a pet, I meant a dog."

'Forget 'forsaking all others', you can have the week off' (housewife to husband).

Tunnel of Dove.

"Don't you ever miss the hustle and bustle of the old tar pits?"

Daily Meditations for Perpetual Victims

"We still don't have a diagnosis for your rash, so we're going to run some more money on it and see what happens."

Vampire picking up his blood delivery (Type O, Type A, and Type B).

'And you get this free.'

Dear Santa- Thanks for the awesome gift! p.s. did you know cellphones have built-in calculators? p.p.s. you suck.

"Baby's First Book of Retirement Planning...?"

"A birthday gift card? Really?"

"It was heaven before this."

"That rat trap you sold me is no good. My husband hasn't been near it!"

Jill and Ted fought to the point of complete exhaustion over the placement of, ironically, a wedding gift.

"We were out of embalming fluid so we stuffed your wife with wild rice."

She collected ceramic pigs. Only one so far, but even that was one too many.

Seltzer paste.

Crap Stuff Shop.

"Good evening madam. Would you like to donate your soul to a newly registered charity?"

Do you know why the kitchen ceiling is dripping?

'Maybe he said store the wine horizontally...'

"And when the time comes the company will put you to sleep at its own expense."