Ironic Gift Receiver T-Shirts

Very rough-looking tattooed thug on his way to the 'Gentlemen'.

"But he had a mask and I thought he was a burglar."

Introducing... The Everything Else Morning-After Pill!

"It is my place!"

"Shouldn't have, you really."

'I'd be more impressed that you bought me flowers if you didn't take a job as a delivery boy to get the employee discount.'

I didn't realize our pitch had such a lovely view...

"I can't afford to feed you."

The Penultimate Temptation of Christ

"Every Sunday, the same thing: we watch the ducks from Bow Bridge, I think about pushing you in, and then we go to that stupid Mexican place."

Fast Food Menus

Visit Santa today...sponsored by Acme Razor Company

"When I said I wanted a pet, I meant a dog."

Tunnel of Dove.

"Don't you ever miss the hustle and bustle of the old tar pits?"

'Forget 'forsaking all others', you can have the week off' (housewife to husband).

Daily Meditations for Perpetual Victims

"We still don't have a diagnosis for your rash, so we're going to run some more money on it and see what happens."

Dear Santa- Thanks for the awesome gift! p.s. did you know cellphones have built-in calculators? p.p.s. you suck.

'And you get this free.'

"Baby's First Book of Retirement Planning...?"

Vampire picking up his blood delivery (Type O, Type A, and Type B).

"A birthday gift card? Really?"

"It was heaven before this."

"That rat trap you sold me is no good. My husband hasn't been near it!"

Do you know why the kitchen ceiling is dripping?

Seltzer paste.

Crap Stuff Shop.

"Good evening madam. Would you like to donate your soul to a newly registered charity?"

"We were out of embalming fluid so we stuffed your wife with wild rice."

'Maybe he said store the wine horizontally...'

Jill and Ted fought to the point of complete exhaustion over the placement of, ironically, a wedding gift.

She collected ceramic pigs. Only one so far, but even that was one too many.

"And when the time comes the company will put you to sleep at its own expense."

Rodney kicked off his fitness regime by buying a heavier remote control...this was not enough.