Ironic Gifter Pillows

"But he had a mask and I thought he was a burglar."

Introducing... The Everything Else Morning-After Pill!

Christmas Presents.

"Shouldn't have, you really."

"A cactus! Darling, you're such a romantic..."

Bagel problems.

"I've never felt this close to anyone before!"

I didn't realize our pitch had such a lovely view...

'I'd be more impressed that you bought me flowers if you didn't take a job as a delivery boy to get the employee discount.'

"Sayyy - you've had some work done!"

"I can't afford to feed you."

"Every Sunday, the same thing: we watch the ducks from Bow Bridge, I think about pushing you in, and then we go to that stupid Mexican place."

Fast Food Menus

The Penultimate Temptation of Christ

Visit Santa today...sponsored by Acme Razor Company

'Forget 'forsaking all others', you can have the week off' (housewife to husband).

"Don't you ever miss the hustle and bustle of the old tar pits?"

Tunnel of Dove.

Daily Meditations for Perpetual Victims

"We still don't have a diagnosis for your rash, so we're going to run some more money on it and see what happens."

"A birthday gift card? Really?"

"I'm not sure. Maybe it's my wife's butt size I'm thinking of!"

'The mice gave me this present. Lovely gesture.'

Make Your Own

Heirlooms of Tomorrow

"Baby's First Book of Retirement Planning...?"

'And you get this free.'

"It was heaven before this."

"That rat trap you sold me is no good. My husband hasn't been near it!"

"What?! You wanted an Easter egg, and this is one!"

Jill and Ted fought to the point of complete exhaustion over the placement of, ironically, a wedding gift.

"It's my Dad's Birthday. Could you gift wrap it?"

She collected ceramic pigs. Only one so far, but even that was one too many.