Ironic Gift Recipient Pillows

'Stupid exercise video got jammed in my machine.'

"But he had a mask and I thought he was a burglar."

Introducing... The Everything Else Morning-After Pill!

"It is my place!"

"Shouldn't have, you really."

'I'd be more impressed that you bought me flowers if you didn't take a job as a delivery boy to get the employee discount.'

I didn't realize our pitch had such a lovely view...

"I can't afford to feed you."

'That pretty much kills my appendicitis diagnosis.'

Fast Food Menus

"Every Sunday, the same thing: we watch the ducks from Bow Bridge, I think about pushing you in, and then we go to that stupid Mexican place."

The Penultimate Temptation of Christ

Visit Santa today...sponsored by Acme Razor Company

'He's not leaving, but if we collect enough, he might.'

'Forget 'forsaking all others', you can have the week off' (housewife to husband).

"Don't you ever miss the hustle and bustle of the old tar pits?"

Tunnel of Dove.

Daily Meditations for Perpetual Victims

"We still don't have a diagnosis for your rash, so we're going to run some more money on it and see what happens."

"A birthday gift card? Really?"

'And you get this free.'

"Baby's First Book of Retirement Planning...?"

"It was heaven before this."

"That rat trap you sold me is no good. My husband hasn't been near it!"

"We were out of embalming fluid so we stuffed your wife with wild rice."

"Good evening madam. Would you like to donate your soul to a newly registered charity?"

Crap Stuff Shop.

Seltzer paste.

Very rough-looking tattooed thug on his way to the 'Gentlemen'.

She collected ceramic pigs. Only one so far, but even that was one too many.

'Maybe he said store the wine horizontally...'

Jill and Ted fought to the point of complete exhaustion over the placement of, ironically, a wedding gift.

"And when the time comes the company will put you to sleep at its own expense."

Rodney kicked off his fitness regime by buying a heavier remote control...this was not enough.