Devilishly Funny Gift Recipient Pillows

"And lastly, for all eternity, French, blue cheese, or ranch?"

"But he had a mask and I thought he was a burglar."

'Your 'bad' cholesterol levels are right off the chart.'

"It is my place!"

"Must we have ten minutes blasphemy every night?"

"Shouldn't have, you really."

"Now that's a great number if you want to be protected from the entire environment."

"Great news! Jim at work's promised to lend me all his World Cup DVDs"

Cat on Computer Keyboard.

Bagel problems.

I didn't realize our pitch had such a lovely view...

'I'd be more impressed that you bought me flowers if you didn't take a job as a delivery boy to get the employee discount.'

'A free goldfish with every house you buy!'

'That pretty much kills my appendicitis diagnosis.'

Hissy-fits for sale.

Fast Food Menus

"I'm going to have to ask you to accompany me to the Police Station!"

"Okay, come at me in a conga line."

The Penultimate Temptation of Christ

"You'll be in charge of the music down here."

'He's not leaving, but if we collect enough, he might.'

An Anarchist's Christmas

'You're not from around here, are you?'

"The 10th anniversary gift is tin. I got Ralph a new tinfoil hat. He's more sedate with the extra channels."

"That does it, I'm getting a snow blower!"

'I don't know about you but I spend a fortune on shoes.'

Beer Belly/Vodka Elbow

Nail Bar

Scientist using his microscope to thread a needle to repair his torn shirt.

"I don't think I'm quite ready for Satan sings the blues!"

"A birthday gift card? Really?"

"Baby's First Book of Retirement Planning...?"

"It was heaven before this."

"It's four pounds a night, and one hour treadmill time..."

'Oh good! I hate long lines.'