Devilishly Funny Gift Recipient Pillows

"And lastly, for all eternity, French, blue cheese, or ranch?"

"But he had a mask and I thought he was a burglar."

'Your 'bad' cholesterol levels are right off the chart.'

"It is my place!"

"Shouldn't have, you really."

"Must we have ten minutes blasphemy every night?"

"Now that's a great number if you want to be protected from the entire environment."

Cat on Computer Keyboard.

I didn't realize our pitch had such a lovely view...

'I'd be more impressed that you bought me flowers if you didn't take a job as a delivery boy to get the employee discount.'

Bagel problems.

'A free goldfish with every house you buy!'

'That pretty much kills my appendicitis diagnosis.'

"I'm going to have to ask you to accompany me to the Police Station!"

Hissy-fits for sale.

"Okay, come at me in a conga line."

The Penultimate Temptation of Christ

Fast Food Menus

"You'll be in charge of the music down here."

'He's not leaving, but if we collect enough, he might.'

'You're not from around here, are you?'

"The 10th anniversary gift is tin. I got Ralph a new tinfoil hat. He's more sedate with the extra channels."

Beer Belly/Vodka Elbow

"That does it, I'm getting a snow blower!"

'I don't know about you but I spend a fortune on shoes.'

"I don't think I'm quite ready for Satan sings the blues!"

"Baby's First Book of Retirement Planning...?"

"A birthday gift card? Really?"

Nail Bar

Scientist using his microscope to thread a needle to repair his torn shirt.

"It was heaven before this."

"It's four pounds a night, and one hour treadmill time..."

'Oh good! I hate long lines.'

'When you're done fixing the furnace, could you gather up these Demons From Hell that escaped?'