Sassy Gift Receiver Mugs

Dear Santa- Thanks for the awesome gift! p.s. did you know cellphones have built-in calculators? p.p.s. you suck.

'Here you go, kid! A worm.'

"Cheers! Well, this is exciting. I've never had a dinner date with a duck before." "Relax, honey. I'm just here for the bread."

Lactose Intolerant

"All natural snow cones for sale."

'So where do you think pineapple juice comes from?'

Mighty Man Of Justice Goes Christmas Shopping Part 1

Another day at work would be one too many...

A golden Big Boy holding a plate of poop

'They help with my nicotine patch addiction.'

Excess Baggage: Some people take getting away from it all very seriously.

"Happy Anniversary, dear! It's a gold spray-painted macaroni necklace."

"And at no extra charge I can give your old suit a Viking funeral."

"It's my home grown quail call. Quail don't come when I blow it, but cows sure do."

'We have three minutes left.'

You don't need to believe EVERYTHING you are told.

Diner

Whittling a forget-me-not moose for the one you adore...

Fly fishing.

"It is my place!"

That must be my computer date... (Answers door to robot).

High speed cinder block

Pull my finger! Zombie Humor.

"Oh, Oh, Oooohh!"

'Will you be wanting this?'

'Your deceased husband keeps saying: don't call him. He'll call you.'

I'm worried about Uncle Mort. He's still in jail for refusing to reveal his secret source? Not just that. It's his relationship with Sadie. I feel like … What? She says she wants him back, but I'm not sure. Why would you say something like that? Your sweetie made you a saw with a cake in it. Oooh.

'It's too cheap, can I haggle you up?'

'What do you mean these aren't donut holes'

Bio-Engineered Fruit of the Month Club

Rent a Room With Hot Water

'We may need to remove your spleen because it might not be doing whatever it is the spleen does.'

'I can't believe an Alligator stole my identity... I mean, it's quite obvious I'm a Crocodile!'

My therapist cured me of using humour as a defense...these days I pack a .45.

-"What has this got to do with communication?" -"It's my invention...the hand smiley."