Ironically Calming Gift Receiver Pillows

'If you're worried about taking so many tablets I could prescribe you some valium...'

Another day at work would be one too many...

"But he had a mask and I thought he was a burglar."

"It is my place!"

"Shouldn't have, you really."

This year Mike decides to make his own Valentine's cards.

How the gift registry should really work

I didn't realize our pitch had such a lovely view...

'I'd be more impressed that you bought me flowers if you didn't take a job as a delivery boy to get the employee discount.'

"I'm looking for something that the recipient will be too embarrassed to regift."

'That pretty much kills my appendicitis diagnosis.'

"You don't think rum-filled centers would give his officers the wrong impression?"

"Every Sunday, the same thing: we watch the ducks from Bow Bridge, I think about pushing you in, and then we go to that stupid Mexican place."

'At least we don't have to worry about getting those as gifts.'

The Penultimate Temptation of Christ

Fast Food Menus

"When I said I wanted a pet, I meant a dog."

"Don't you ever miss the hustle and bustle of the old tar pits?"

Dear Santa- Thanks for the awesome gift! p.s. did you know cellphones have built-in calculators? p.p.s. you suck.

'And you get this free.'

"A birthday gift card? Really?"

"Baby's First Book of Retirement Planning...?"

Vampire picking up his blood delivery (Type O, Type A, and Type B).

"It was heaven before this."

"That rat trap you sold me is no good. My husband hasn't been near it!"

"How much of a gratuity does Santa usually get?"

Christmas postie!

Do you know why the kitchen ceiling is dripping?

She collected ceramic pigs. Only one so far, but even that was one too many.

A panhandler with a sign that reads "If not me, who? If not now, when?"

Crap Stuff Shop.

Jill and Ted fought to the point of complete exhaustion over the placement of, ironically, a wedding gift.

The Golden Book of Lying & Cheating

Ockham chooses a razor