Ironically Calming Gift Receiver Pillows

'If you're worried about taking so many tablets I could prescribe you some valium...'

Another day at work would be one too many...

"But he had a mask and I thought he was a burglar."

"It is my place!"

This year Mike decides to make his own Valentine's cards.

"Shouldn't have, you really."

"Great news! Jim at work's promised to lend me all his World Cup DVDs"

How the gift registry should really work

A gift for me? It's a cape because I think you're a superhero!

I didn't realize our pitch had such a lovely view...

'I'd be more impressed that you bought me flowers if you didn't take a job as a delivery boy to get the employee discount.'

'That pretty much kills my appendicitis diagnosis.'

"I'm looking for something that the recipient will be too embarrassed to regift."

Fast Food Menus

"Every Sunday, the same thing: we watch the ducks from Bow Bridge, I think about pushing you in, and then we go to that stupid Mexican place."

'At least we don't have to worry about getting those as gifts.'

The Penultimate Temptation of Christ

"You don't think rum-filled centers would give his officers the wrong impression?"

"When I said I wanted a pet, I meant a dog."

"Don't you ever miss the hustle and bustle of the old tar pits?"

"Baby's First Book of Retirement Planning...?"

Vampire picking up his blood delivery (Type O, Type A, and Type B).

Dear Santa- Thanks for the awesome gift! p.s. did you know cellphones have built-in calculators? p.p.s. you suck.

'And you get this free.'

"A birthday gift card? Really?"

"It was heaven before this."

"How much of a gratuity does Santa usually get?"

Christmas postie!

"That rat trap you sold me is no good. My husband hasn't been near it!"

A panhandler with a sign that reads "If not me, who? If not now, when?"

"We were out of embalming fluid so we stuffed your wife with wild rice."

Seltzer paste.

Ockham chooses a razor

The Golden Book of Lying & Cheating

She collected ceramic pigs. Only one so far, but even that was one too many.