Sardonic Smiler Gifts

'All we can do is hope for identity theft.'

"Day 736. Still loving the fact that I can smoke all over this island..."

Two vending machines for fisherman: 'Live Bait' next to 'Dead as a Doornail Bait'

Fish eating smaller fish in a tank.

"He's So Your Type."

'You know what'll do wonders for you? A nose job.'

Targets

'Money, that's what seperates us from the apes.'

"What? You were expecting good news? Expectations are so-o-o-o passe."

Man falls off perch

T.S. Eliot calendar.

Special Place in Hell...

Two books from the crime passionel section in a library having sex

'Tortoise stampede! But finish your picnic, folks - plenty of time.'

'Sure that money - detecting app works. It detected you had money didn't it?'

"You'll be in charge of the music down here."

'While 10-15 years of cellaring are recommended and would certainly improve the bouquet and taste, no, there'sno reason why you can't go out back, behind the dumpster and down the whole thing in 1 chug.'

Good news - we've found your car.

"I never do as I say. That's the beauty of a hypocritical oath."

"I'm sorry Gerald but all those orgasms were 'fake news'."

'Your resume states that you've worked with 2 presidents, won the Nobel Prize and climbed Mt. Everest. That's all fine and dandy, but how are you at telemarketing?'

"Nothing much. Reading a book by some dead white female."

'You may experience some discomfort.'

"When the boss said he could replace me with a trained monkey, I replied, prove it! Me and my big mouth."

'Come on, just a few more. I need to boost my metabolism.'

"But a deep sense of grievance and indignation IS my Happy Place."

"Just look at that. The face that lunched on a thousand chips."

"Can you see it, Bob? Green grass, warm breeze, flip flops. . . spring is coming!"

"No, it's not a foreclosure. It's my 'Going out of business sale!' Everything must go!"

"The smile is courtesy of Photoshop."

Elevator buttons: Up/Down/Don't Care.