Sarcastic Smiler Gifts

"The smile is courtesy of Photoshop."

"All dishes marked with an asterisk are served with sarcasm. . ."

"Well, here he is. He just grew on me until I couldn't stand it anymore."

"I work smart, instead of hard. You do all the work and I take all the credit."

'What's your favourite operating system?' - 'I don't have one.' - 'Well, you killed that conversation.' - 'It deserved to die.'

'He touched you and you can walk again? I just got an illegible prescription.'

'I may scream at you occasionally. Pay no attention. I may rant and rave...pay no attention...I may even fire you occasionally. PAY ATTENTION!'

"Just say the word and I'll love you."

"Send them in for their Christmas bonuses."

"We have met today because you, Cynthia, and you, Kevin, now want to look together for a scapegoat to blame for your stupidity, your laziness, your total failure, and for your antisocial behaviour."

'You have no new messages in your mailbox.'

You know, I'll always think of the song that's on the Juke box right now as

"If your boyfriend is so special, why is his name tattooed on the back of your neck where you can't see it?"

"The only way I lost a few ounces with my activity tracker was when I took it off."

Hang In There, Baby!

'Legal say that 'Be my Valentine' opens us up to sexual harrassment claims, they suggest 'dear individual of indeterminate or any gender would you consider accepting the role of being my person of special interest'.'

"I thought you said his name was Mr Know-it-all?"

'We lost six nil!. . . and we were lucky to get the nil!'

People who ghosted me

'I know 24 ways to kill a man - add another if I don't get a drink.'

'Although he can't come to the phone right now, he wouldn't like you to know that your call is of no interest to him.'

Defeatists Anonymous will meet here tonight at...oh, what's the use? It's not like we're going to solve our problems or anything.

"I see that failure isn't an option for you, is it? More of an imperative."

Do you think the moon is real? Well

"A fortnight's holiday in Spain, and you bring a gift of a measly pebble? Well, I suppose it's a change from a flippin' mug!"

'Aww, how cute. They sent you a valentine subpoena.'

"For God's sake Kingston, the patient clapped - what more do you want?"

"I do enjoy group activities."

'I'm sorry, but zoning laws only allows roads made out of lo-cal gravel.'

'Fine, thank you. And how are you?'

"Baldo, I'm thinking of limiting your cell phone use."

"How's the divorce going?"

"Wrap it up, sir. Schadenfreude visiting hours are almost over."

'With us it was loathe at first sight.'

You seem to make a new enemy with every cross-examination, Mr. Fusco. I don