Sarcastic Smiler Pillows

"The smile is courtesy of Photoshop."

"All dishes marked with an asterisk are served with sarcasm. . ."

"Well, here he is. He just grew on me until I couldn't stand it anymore."

"I work smart, instead of hard. You do all the work and I take all the credit."

'What's your favourite operating system?' - 'I don't have one.' - 'Well, you killed that conversation.' - 'It deserved to die.'

'He touched you and you can walk again? I just got an illegible prescription.'

'I may scream at you occasionally. Pay no attention. I may rant and rave...pay no attention...I may even fire you occasionally. PAY ATTENTION!'

"Just say the word and I'll love you."

"Send them in for their Christmas bonuses."

"We have met today because you, Cynthia, and you, Kevin, now want to look together for a scapegoat to blame for your stupidity, your laziness, your total failure, and for your antisocial behaviour."

'You have no new messages in your mailbox.'

"The only way I lost a few ounces with my activity tracker was when I took it off."

"If your boyfriend is so special, why is his name tattooed on the back of your neck where you can't see it?"

Hang In There, Baby!

'Legal say that 'Be my Valentine' opens us up to sexual harrassment claims, they suggest 'dear individual of indeterminate or any gender would you consider accepting the role of being my person of special interest'.'

'I know 24 ways to kill a man - add another if I don't get a drink.'

'We lost six nil!. . . and we were lucky to get the nil!'

"I thought you said his name was Mr Know-it-all?"

People who ghosted me

'Although he can't come to the phone right now, he wouldn't like you to know that your call is of no interest to him.'

"For God's sake Kingston, the patient clapped - what more do you want?"

"A fortnight's holiday in Spain, and you bring a gift of a measly pebble? Well, I suppose it's a change from a flippin' mug!"

'Aww, how cute. They sent you a valentine subpoena.'

"I do enjoy group activities."

"I see that failure isn't an option for you, is it? More of an imperative."

'I'm sorry, but zoning laws only allows roads made out of lo-cal gravel.'

"Baldo, I'm thinking of limiting your cell phone use."

'With us it was loathe at first sight.'

'Oh no! Not another customer looking for a mortgage...'

"Happy Birthday, dear. Remember. . . it's the thought that counts!"

"How's the divorce going?"