Sarcastiphile Pillows

"You do realise, when I come into a room, I don't always do vacuuming."

'Congratulations, dear! Your home cooked dinner was so good you'd think it was an expensive frozen entree!'

'How was your holiday?' - 'Fantastic! Great weather! Great food! No illness!' - 'So, back to work tomorrow, then?' - 'Yeah, I guess so.' - 'Lousy, germ free holiday.'

'Here, we don't need a retirement plan. If you do your job as we want it, you'll directly go from your desk to hell.'

"Well if it comes to that you're not exactly Mr Wonderful."

'Caesar salad?'

"All dishes marked with an asterisk are served with sarcasm. . ."

'I miss telling people they can't have a day off to be with their sick children!'

Hey, how was space? Fine. Jeez. The adolescent astronaut.

'In this world, son, you've got to learn to push yourself.'

"Well, here he is. He just grew on me until I couldn't stand it anymore."

'Ms. Hatton, take a letter, a number and a hike...'

"Sir, can I interest you in a luxury coffin?"

"Let's wait for it to come out on cable and then not watch it."

"No, I said go knock yourself out."

"I hate doing appraisals, it involves thinking about them."

"Look, you guys call here all the time and we keep telling you - we don't tale telemarketing calls! If you call one more time, I..."

'What will it be tonight? Gore and dismemberment, idiotic and foul-mouthed comedy aimed at fifteen-year-old boys, a macho revenge fantasy, or our special combo platter?'

"You dumb clod! Do you realize you're almost two minutes late?"

Waiter indicates cutlery for diner's tiny meal, saying: 'The one on the right is your mangnifying glass, sir.'

Jenkins! Why is it everything in this office is voice-activated except you?

'Gentlemen, it's time we tightened our belts.'

This is a voice recognition service...we reserve the right to cut you off if you have an irritating nasal sort of voice.

"Just say the word and I'll love you."

'On second thought, he does do one thing around the house -- he cleans out the refrigerator.'

"You're taking this 'King Of Beasts' thing too seriously."

"You know, crime doesn't pay... at least at your level."

"Pigheaded, Fat Scumbag, who should be wiped off the face of the earth, is there an emoji for that?"

"Fetch!" "Sorry, I'm on a break."

"Can you train him to bite my husband whenever the trash gets full?"

I'm keeping my phone on...we'll need a wake up call after this guy speaks!

"So, Ben, what do you want to be when you stop sponging off your parents?"

"Oh, Stan, I love your sarcastic sense of humor."

"I'm not whining."

'Remember, guys, there's no 'I'll kill you before I ever budge an inch on any position' in TEAMWORK.'