Sarcastiphile Gifts

"You do realise, when I come into a room, I don't always do vacuuming."

'Congratulations, dear! Your home cooked dinner was so good you'd think it was an expensive frozen entree!'

"All dishes marked with an asterisk are served with sarcasm. . ."

'I miss telling people they can't have a day off to be with their sick children!'

'Caesar salad?'

'Here, we don't need a retirement plan. If you do your job as we want it, you'll directly go from your desk to hell.'

'How was your holiday?' - 'Fantastic! Great weather! Great food! No illness!' - 'So, back to work tomorrow, then?' - 'Yeah, I guess so.' - 'Lousy, germ free holiday.'

"Well if it comes to that you're not exactly Mr Wonderful."

'Ms. Hatton, take a letter, a number and a hike...'

"Well, here he is. He just grew on me until I couldn't stand it anymore."

"Let's wait for it to come out on cable and then not watch it."

"I hate doing appraisals, it involves thinking about them."

"No, I said go knock yourself out."

"Sir, can I interest you in a luxury coffin?"

Waiter indicates cutlery for diner's tiny meal, saying: 'The one on the right is your mangnifying glass, sir.'

"Look, you guys call here all the time and we keep telling you - we don't tale telemarketing calls! If you call one more time, I..."

"You dumb clod! Do you realize you're almost two minutes late?"

Jenkins! Why is it everything in this office is voice-activated except you?

'What will it be tonight? Gore and dismemberment, idiotic and foul-mouthed comedy aimed at fifteen-year-old boys, a macho revenge fantasy, or our special combo platter?'

This is a voice recognition service...we reserve the right to cut you off if you have an irritating nasal sort of voice.

"Just say the word and I'll love you."

I'm keeping my phone on...we'll need a wake up call after this guy speaks!

'On second thought, he does do one thing around the house -- he cleans out the refrigerator.'

"You know, crime doesn't pay... at least at your level."

"Pigheaded, Fat Scumbag, who should be wiped off the face of the earth, is there an emoji for that?"

"I'm not whining."

"You're taking this 'King Of Beasts' thing too seriously."

"So, Ben, what do you want to be when you stop sponging off your parents?"

"Oh, Stan, I love your sarcastic sense of humor."

"Fetch!" "Sorry, I'm on a break."

'Remember, guys, there's no 'I'll kill you before I ever budge an inch on any position' in TEAMWORK.'

'Oh stop complaining, if it wasn't for the mosquitoes you wouldn't get any exercise at all!'