Sarcastic Self-helper Gifts

"Healthy Self-Talk for Dumb Stupid Idiots."

'Congratulations, dear! Your home cooked dinner was so good you'd think it was an expensive frozen entree!'

'How was your holiday?' - 'Fantastic! Great weather! Great food! No illness!' - 'So, back to work tomorrow, then?' - 'Yeah, I guess so.' - 'Lousy, germ free holiday.'

'I miss telling people they can't have a day off to be with their sick children!'

"All dishes marked with an asterisk are served with sarcasm. . ."

'Here, we don't need a retirement plan. If you do your job as we want it, you'll directly go from your desk to hell.'

'Caesar salad?'

Hey, how was space? Fine. Jeez. The adolescent astronaut.

'In this world, son, you've got to learn to push yourself.'

'Ms. Hatton, take a letter, a number and a hike...'

"Well, here he is. He just grew on me until I couldn't stand it anymore."

'You always wanted a larger office with a view.'

"Sir, can I interest you in a luxury coffin?"

"I hate doing appraisals, it involves thinking about them."

"No, I said go knock yourself out."

"I work smart, instead of hard. You do all the work and I take all the credit."

'What will it be tonight? Gore and dismemberment, idiotic and foul-mouthed comedy aimed at fifteen-year-old boys, a macho revenge fantasy, or our special combo platter?'

"You dumb clod! Do you realize you're almost two minutes late?"

"Look, you guys call here all the time and we keep telling you - we don't tale telemarketing calls! If you call one more time, I..."

Waiter indicates cutlery for diner's tiny meal, saying: 'The one on the right is your mangnifying glass, sir.'

Jenkins! Why is it everything in this office is voice-activated except you?

'Gentlemen, it's time we tightened our belts.'

"The damsel-in-distress thing is just one of several income streams that I pursue."

This is a voice recognition service...we reserve the right to cut you off if you have an irritating nasal sort of voice.

"I googled my symptoms and downloaded the treatment to my tablet. All you have to do is follow this..."

"I'm not whining."

You give dives a bad name. Somebody has to!

"Can you train him to bite my husband whenever the trash gets full?"

"Pigheaded, Fat Scumbag, who should be wiped off the face of the earth, is there an emoji for that?"

I'm keeping my phone on...we'll need a wake up call after this guy speaks!

"Oh, Stan, I love your sarcastic sense of humor."

"If you need me, I’ll be in the living room clawing the bejesus out of that Navajo rug you just picked up at auction."

Didn't we fire you last week?

"So, Ben, what do you want to be when you stop sponging off your parents?"

'On second thought, he does do one thing around the house -- he cleans out the refrigerator.'