Sarcastic Self-helper Pillows

"Healthy Self-Talk for Dumb Stupid Idiots."

'Congratulations, dear! Your home cooked dinner was so good you'd think it was an expensive frozen entree!'

'Caesar salad?'

'I miss telling people they can't have a day off to be with their sick children!'

'Here, we don't need a retirement plan. If you do your job as we want it, you'll directly go from your desk to hell.'

'How was your holiday?' - 'Fantastic! Great weather! Great food! No illness!' - 'So, back to work tomorrow, then?' - 'Yeah, I guess so.' - 'Lousy, germ free holiday.'

"All dishes marked with an asterisk are served with sarcasm. . ."

'Ms. Hatton, take a letter, a number and a hike...'

"Well, here he is. He just grew on me until I couldn't stand it anymore."

"I work smart, instead of hard. You do all the work and I take all the credit."

'You always wanted a larger office with a view.'

"Sir, can I interest you in a luxury coffin?"

"No, I said go knock yourself out."

"I hate doing appraisals, it involves thinking about them."

'What will it be tonight? Gore and dismemberment, idiotic and foul-mouthed comedy aimed at fifteen-year-old boys, a macho revenge fantasy, or our special combo platter?'

Jenkins! Why is it everything in this office is voice-activated except you?

Waiter indicates cutlery for diner's tiny meal, saying: 'The one on the right is your mangnifying glass, sir.'

"Look, you guys call here all the time and we keep telling you - we don't tale telemarketing calls! If you call one more time, I..."

"You dumb clod! Do you realize you're almost two minutes late?"

"The damsel-in-distress thing is just one of several income streams that I pursue."

This is a voice recognition service...we reserve the right to cut you off if you have an irritating nasal sort of voice.

"Oh, Stan, I love your sarcastic sense of humor."

"You're taking this 'King Of Beasts' thing too seriously."

"If you need me, I’ll be in the living room clawing the bejesus out of that Navajo rug you just picked up at auction."

I'm keeping my phone on...we'll need a wake up call after this guy speaks!

"I'm not whining."

"You know, crime doesn't pay... at least at your level."

"Pigheaded, Fat Scumbag, who should be wiped off the face of the earth, is there an emoji for that?"

'On second thought, he does do one thing around the house -- he cleans out the refrigerator.'

Didn't we fire you last week?