Sarcastic Spectator Pillows

Nice bit of parking! If you don't mind not getting out of the car!

Finally, a big puffy hand for the losing team.

I think when they talk about 'taking more excercise' they meant more than lifting the remote control.

Armstrong, the only doctor covered in the new health plan you got me is a veterinarian! Beats no coverage. Yeah, if you're a parakeet. You're so cheap. You don't value me at all. You ingrate. I didn't have to give you health benefits. Lots of employers don't cover their animals. You mean workers. Stop your barking.

'Your Honor, in order to avoid being sued, we find the defendant 'Not guilty.''

'I had to stamp down on staff using nicknames at work. They even had one for me!'

"...it was believed that anyone who displeased it would meet with a terrible fate, which of course is complete nonsen..."

"Because you've been working so little, you can have the rest of your career here off."

"Let's wait for it to come out on cable and then not watch it."

Attorney At Law: Today's special - Bankruptcy and Divorce. Two for the price of one.

'Never roll your eyes while the boss is talking.'

"Let's demonstrate our corporate values of diversity and inclusion and listen to some of Brian's stupid ideas."

'Of course cutting back on this level of bureaucracy will require a lot of work...'

"I admit saying England had no hope of winning the World Cup, me Lord, but it isn't treason."

"Let's stop for a second while my assistant brings me a stiff drink."

"... and God bless my mom and her courage to call this food."

Follow England mate, they're always crap!

Bad business inc.

"You think you have the boss from hell?!"

'Oh he's sporty all right - he can be up and down on his stairlift in under ten minutes'

"Hey, if we're getting laid off, it's every man for himself!"

'If looks could sue, eh, Walt?'

"Don't look at me. I'm just the gay friend."

"Oh, please, do tell me what Warren Buffett has to say about adding bleach to delicates."

'Ooh look, you've got a free lucky horseshoe with your giant meatballs.'

'Like it'll do any good.'

"Be careful what you say, Senator. Putting your foot in your mouth greatly increases the risk of athlete's gum."

Big Brother.

"Boss, if you could be any superhero, which one would it be?" "Insurance-Adjuster-Man." "In a world where superheroes were real, there'd be an awful lot of collateral damage to buildings and infrastructure." "Insurance-Adjuster-Man would probably clear six figures by breakfast." "'Heroes' aren't in it for the money." "Of course they are. Take Lex Luthor, for instance..."

"Hillary Clinton feels that sinners stigmatises people, so from now on, we're to call you service users."

"Med school was a blast."

"You didn't tip the paper boy."

"My boss combines the impulsive joie de vivre of Ebenezer Scrooge with the empathy and comradeship of a tarantula. Less hair, though."

"You are polling very well with the highly motivated 18 to 26 year olds who never vote."

"I know, same here. Angsting about the Zeitgeist like there is no tomorrow."