Cynical Spectator Pillows

VOTE HERE, 14TH PRECINCT, 'ABANDON HOPE, ALL YE WHO ENTER HERE.'

"In an election you pay attention, listen carefully, pick the candidate you hate the most and vote for the other guy."

"Spoiler alert. There is no good news tonight."

"Seth, here, is one of the best young creative compromisers in the business."

'Your Honor, in order to avoid being sued, we find the defendant 'Not guilty.''

"Boss, the customers can hear you cackling maniacally." "I've topped myself, minion." "It's not enough to run ads that tout our own excellence: we have to simultaneously tear down the competition." "Behold: my masterpiece." "'100 percent of those who drink Coffee King’s coffee will die.'" "Best part is it’s technically true."

"With great power comes great reward."

'The cow jumped over the moon? The mouse ran up the clock? Steroids, right?'

"Right. Women adore him, men want to be like him, and YOU... well, you're hopeless. So, am I the ONLY one who sees through this guy?"

"I've founded my own religion." "Of course you have, Rudy." "It's off to a good start. Already, it's being mocked by people of other faiths." "If history's any guide, within a couple hundred years, it'll be widely accepted and people who don't believe in it will be persecuted." "What are the central tenets of your religion?" "A true Rudian knows that life is suffering, and winning arguments online is salvation."

"Life sucks and then you keep living."

"You mean to tell me I can only vote against one Congressman?"

Dirty Tricks Dept.

"At the end of the day it's just a sunset."

'Well, at least he's an honest politician.'

"If the press brings up your past just double down on 'The sky is falling!'."

Suggestions Get Shredded.

"He's been up all night and fell asleep at the wheel."

Diogenes and tourists

"Today the House Intelligence committee began its investigation of the FBI's investigation of the House Intelligence Committees investigation of the FBI..."

I think when they talk about 'taking more excercise' they meant more than lifting the remote control.

Federal Bureau of Do As We Say, NOT As We Do!

"Everyone is so cynical these days."

"Listen, pal! I didn't spend seven million bucks to get here so I could yield the floor to you."

"Robust, full-bodied bouquet with just a hint of bitter, mean-spirited despair."

'This model comes with F.S.H - P.S. - E.W. - C.C. - A.B.S and B.U.L.L.S.H.I.T.'

"There's a customer-satisfaction questionnaire for you to fill out and for us to not look at and immediately throw away."

'Psst, Senator, not that one -- that's your HIDDEN agenda!'

Bad business inc.

"To be perfectly frank, the preceding was a paid political bunch of lies."