Cynical Observer Pillows

'The demeanor of this judicial panel doesn't bode well for your appeal.'

"Seth, here, is one of the best young creative compromisers in the business."

Please, please please let me be the one to tell him we outsourced his job.

"If the press brings up your past just double down on 'The sky is falling!'."

"I went into politics because there isn't any money in honest work."

Politician receives a coin from God.

"Laying you off sounds so negative. Let's say we want you to take a three year lunch break."

Dirty Tricks Dept.

"Your resume indicates you're ethically bankrupt but able to project the appearance of integrity."

"That ought to get the Health and Safety people off our backs for a bit."

"He knows nothing of the Superglue theft and he's sticking to the facts."

"Hah! We won! Now we can start cutting entitlements, spending, and the size of government!!"

Vote Glibney! Give government back to the people! 'What's the point? -- they'd just sell it on E-Bay.'

'The trouble is not with your set- These politicians can be very tricky.'

How bipartisanship really works...'Still the best congress money can buy!'

'People today smoke right down to the filter...a sign to me that the endtimesare near.' ( repent)

Every election year politicians make the same old promises...

'That pledge I made on the doorstep - I broke it.'

'So you say, 'Tom, how do I become filthy rich?' Why, that's easy. By scamming others the way I'm about to scam you.'

'Don't you just love Humans: They're always at war...'

"In a historic bipartisan effort, both sides agree to accomplish absolutely nothing."

"...Our extensive in house survey found that 82% of you think in house surveys are a waste of time."

"Me? I have a strong urge to devote my life to making the world a better place for all humanity."

'I suppose they call it the rat race because only rats ever seem to win.'

"Lets get 100% behind the boss."

"In two million years from now people like me will still be very rich tanks to idiots like you!"

The Forever Stamp

'The rich get richer and the poor get poorer. That's a wonderful mission statement.'

"I've founded my own religion." "Of course you have, Rudy." "It's off to a good start. Already, it's being mocked by people of other faiths." "If history's any guide, within a couple hundred years, it'll be widely accepted and people who don't believe in it will be persecuted." "What are the central tenets of your religion?" "A true Rudian knows that life is suffering, and winning arguments online is salvation."

"With great power comes great reward."

'The cow jumped over the moon? The mouse ran up the clock? Steroids, right?'

"My MP ensured that there are laws which allow me to evade taxes legally. We both end up winning!"

"I hate weddings. They make me feel a momentary lapse of cynicism."

Utopia - a necessarily restrictive and conformist social structure.

First clue that the latest medical breakthrough isn't quite there yet - 'Don't worry, I had the same thing...'