Cynical Viewer Pillows

"Do you want to watch the, 'everything's terrible' cable news or the, 'everything's wonderful' cable news?"

"To be perfectly frank, the preceding was a paid political bunch of lies."

'Warning: portions of the following program may destroy what little faith you have left in human nature.'

"Seth, here, is one of the best young creative compromisers in the business."

"...Our extensive in house survey found that 82% of you think in house surveys are a waste of time."

"Son, the world is full of disappointments. About 7.7 billion of them."

"Me? I have a strong urge to devote my life to making the world a better place for all humanity."

'I suppose they call it the rat race because only rats ever seem to win.'

"Lets get 100% behind the boss."

The Forever Stamp

"In two million years from now people like me will still be very rich tanks to idiots like you!"

Plight of Decent-White-Male-Middle Class Scapgoats.

'The rich get richer and the poor get poorer. That's a wonderful mission statement.'

"I've founded my own religion." "Of course you have, Rudy." "It's off to a good start. Already, it's being mocked by people of other faiths." "If history's any guide, within a couple hundred years, it'll be widely accepted and people who don't believe in it will be persecuted." "What are the central tenets of your religion?" "A true Rudian knows that life is suffering, and winning arguments online is salvation."

"With great power comes great reward."

'The cow jumped over the moon? The mouse ran up the clock? Steroids, right?'

"My MP ensured that there are laws which allow me to evade taxes legally. We both end up winning!"

"I hate weddings. They make me feel a momentary lapse of cynicism."

Utopia - a necessarily restrictive and conformist social structure.

First clue that the latest medical breakthrough isn't quite there yet - 'Don't worry, I had the same thing...'

"Happy anniversary, Clare. How'd you make it so many years?" "Figured it wasn't worth the prison time."

"Life sucks and then you keep living."

Will Self deprecation

"If the press brings up your past just double down on 'The sky is falling!'."

Dirty Tricks Dept.

'Hi! I'm a freshman -- when do I get corrupted?'

"They're at that age where it's only cool to wag ironically."

"Politicians can't make the trains run on time but they never miss the gravy train."

"Whatever doesn't kill me gives me the chance to try new prescriptions."

Suggestions Get Shredded.

Diogenes and tourists

"Do I still believe in Santa Claus? I don't even believe in Congress."

Federal Bureau of Do As We Say, NOT As We Do!