Sarcastic Problem Solver Pillows

"The Help Desk guy says to try Ctrl-Alt-Delete....!"

'You'll be able to lead a normal life after the operation -- except, of course, for your enormous medical bills.'

'That was creepy. They ran short on cadavers, so we operated on the dean of students.'

'Caesar salad?'

"All dishes marked with an asterisk are served with sarcasm. . ."

"Let's wait for it to come out on cable and then not watch it."

"I work smart, instead of hard. You do all the work and I take all the credit."

Waiter indicates cutlery for diner's tiny meal, saying: 'The one on the right is your mangnifying glass, sir.'

"Take one three times a day and come back in 43 years."

'On second thought, he does do one thing around the house -- he cleans out the refrigerator.'

"Send them in for their Christmas bonuses."

"We have met today because you, Cynthia, and you, Kevin, now want to look together for a scapegoat to blame for your stupidity, your laziness, your total failure, and for your antisocial behaviour."

'You have no new messages in your mailbox.'

"So is that enough 'putting out' for you?"

'It seems that my advice wasn't the only thing he could do without.'

"Will you stop doing that please? Isn't it obvious to you that I just don't fancy him?!"

"I thought you said his name was Mr Know-it-all?"

"No, I didn't fake it last night. I really was asleep"

'We lost six nil!. . . and we were lucky to get the nil!'

'Although he can't come to the phone right now, he wouldn't like you to know that your call is of no interest to him.'

"I see that failure isn't an option for you, is it? More of an imperative."

So sorry, I dialled the wrong number. I dialled my salary by mistake.

Diet Foods: Bread and Water

How to be more passive-aggressive, if that's what you really want.

"Happy Birthday, dear. Remember. . . it's the thought that counts!"

'There's something wrong with my stomach.' - 'Keep your coat buttoned and nobody will notice.'

"Wrap it up, sir. Schadenfreude visiting hours are almost over."

'Fine, thank you. And how are you?'

'Our line is dead. Sometimes my old boyfriend goes off his medication.'

'I tried everything to get my class to pay attention. I tried bribes,sarcasm,guilt,shame and threats. nothing works! Are you paying attention to what I'm saying?'

"This scarf's too tight. . !"

"I almost didn't recognize him with that sheet over his face instead of a newspaper."

'Tell them we're temporarily out of deep concern. Will they settle for shallow compassion?'