Santa Debunker Pillows

"I knew there was no Santa. These are all the candies Mom had coupons for."

Punk Reindeer

'Kids like my presents, but do they really like me?'

"Since you had so much fun with the Home Equity Loan I gave you, this year's stocking will be filled with a shiny new Notice of Foreclosure."

For instance, a $25 delivery charge. You'd clean up right there.

'Toys?! Good heavens, no! I made my fortune through commercial endorsements.'

"It's creepy thinking that Santa can sneak into my house undetected. I must find out how he does it!"

'I mind my mother, and I do my lessons, and I'm here for the quid pro quo.'

Santa Elevator

"So, with internet shopping and guaranteed next-day delivery, I figured now was as good a time as any to hang my sack up and retire."

'No, it doesn't have to snow for Santa to get here. He probably drives a big four-wheel-drive SUV ... '

"Just put one foot directly in front of the other, sir, and walk in as straight a line as possible."

'With all those presents Santa carries, do you think he packs heat? . . . And maybe he's not really fat, but he's wearing a kevlar vest.'

'What's all this 'naughty or nice' jazz? ? Haven't you ever heard of situational ethics?'

"I like the Easter Bunny - I find him less judgmental than Santa Claus."

"I thought you might like to have a merrier brain for the new millennium!"

About Santa 2017.

'I don't really believe in Santa Claus anymore, but I don't want to disillusion my parents.'

I brake for Jetliners.

"Another one asking me to fix the climate crisis."

"Wow! My calculations show that on Christmas night, Santa Claus will visit 1 house every .83 seconds!"

Don't fly and text.

"It's unrealistic for us to have a chimney, tree, or stockings, so you can forget about Santa."

'That stuff about elves helping me is a lot of baloney. I have a research center in Silicon Valley and an electronics plant in New England.'

Slay Ride.

"IDEOMOTOREFFECT. See! I told you."

Dear Santa- Thanks for the awesome gift! p.s. did you know cellphones have built-in calculators? p.p.s. you suck.

'I'm going to tell him I've been good on the chance that my reputation hasn't preceded me.'

'He sees me when I'm sleeping, he knows when I'm awake...'

"I wonder how Santa got my pony into such a small box?"

"Well... I don't believe in you either!"

'What do you mean you don't rent helicopters?' (Santa shot all his reindeer)

'HA! Just as I thought! These are DAD'S fingerprints, not SANTA'S.'

'I keep having this nightmare where I'm old and fat, haven't shaved in years and wherever I go, kids are bugging me for toys.'

'Now there's a perfect example of something that's not cost effective. Fire him!'