Santa Mythbuster Pillows

'That stuff about elves helping me is a lot of baloney. I have a research center in Silicon Valley and an electronics plant in New England.'

'If you were disturbed by any issues raised, please call your mum.'

Bernie the Monday morning quarterback meets David the Monday morning linebacker.

"Want to find out if you're also king of the swamp?"

'Of course he didn't believe the stork story. Try telling him we made him with a 3D printer.'

'I wasn't responding well to the pills but my doctor finally got my mood stabilized.'

"Trust me, there is no subsidized lunch."

Horse meat scandal.

"I've already go t a diagnosis from homedoc.com..."

'How high can the adjustable interest rate go? Well, now, we don't want to get bogged down in a lot of technicalities, do we?'

"You'll have to take this medication for the rest of your life, but don't worry it's non-addictive."

"Dad, is there really no tooth fairy, or is that just fake news from some Russian bot?"

"Oh, sure! Blame the monkey!"

"If only you knew. . ."

"Jim had to know what happens when you turn off your computer while it's updating."

"It's good luck."

"Wake up, baby. I just realized how my insomnia is all your fault."

Killing Santa

"Good morning Mr. Perkiss - I'm from your local bank. I've come to take our house back..."

'Your mother tells me you've started blogging! I have no idea what that means, but stop it immediately, or you'll go blind!'

MD to pregnant woman: 'You don't become immune after one child.'

Santa: 'Of course I'm a vampire! How else could I have lived for 300 years?'

With a round little belly like a bowl of jalea, he struggled to squeeze down our old chiminea.

"That's my new bill. Now here's the Jersey Devil with the details."

'...Santa delivers to Yorkshire first...everybody else has to wait because they're not as good.'

"Are you kidding? If these were really my own, they'd be sagging down to my navel by now!"

"So Carruthers!...it wasn't a legend after all!"

"I can't read this scribble. . . ! Just get the usual random boxes off the top shelf. . ."

'I sold all the bones to finance a Hollywood quasi-relgious cult.' Old Mother Hubbard and her son, L Ron.

This is not a scam. Send money and receive authentic 'This is Not A Scam' certificate."

"I knew there was no Santa. These are all the candies Mom had coupons for."

"Naughty or nice? I thought in a post-fact world, anything goes?"

"You just ate! Wait 15 days."