Santa's Skeptics Pillows

"People are saying you're fake news."

'What he said about judgement day is scary. Maybe we should find a good lawyer.'

Punk Reindeer

"I wonder how many people are claiming to be your messiah right now?"

'Kids like my presents, but do they really like me?'

"Since you had so much fun with the Home Equity Loan I gave you, this year's stocking will be filled with a shiny new Notice of Foreclosure."

"It's creepy thinking that Santa can sneak into my house undetected. I must find out how he does it!"

'Toys?! Good heavens, no! I made my fortune through commercial endorsements.'

"But, Jesus - you can't become an atheist."

"So, with internet shopping and guaranteed next-day delivery, I figured now was as good a time as any to hang my sack up and retire."

'I mind my mother, and I do my lessons, and I'm here for the quid pro quo.'

Crystal Ball Plug

Santa Elevator

'No, it doesn't have to snow for Santa to get here. He probably drives a big four-wheel-drive SUV ... '

Peter explains to the Disciples what really happened.

'With all those presents Santa carries, do you think he packs heat? . . . And maybe he's not really fat, but he's wearing a kevlar vest.'

"I like the Easter Bunny - I find him less judgmental than Santa Claus."

About Santa 2017.

'I don't really believe in Santa Claus anymore, but I don't want to disillusion my parents.'

Rudolph is at bar speaking to a patron-'So he asks me if I'll pull his sleigh and I'm like-'Not until I get that backpay you owe me fatso!' '

"Another one asking me to fix the climate crisis."

"I thought you might like to have a merrier brain for the new millennium!"

Don't fly and text.

"Wow! My calculations show that on Christmas night, Santa Claus will visit 1 house every .83 seconds!"

"It's unrealistic for us to have a chimney, tree, or stockings, so you can forget about Santa."

"I have a rich and generous son who wants to contribute to the heavenly fund."

Dear Santa- Thanks for the awesome gift! p.s. did you know cellphones have built-in calculators? p.p.s. you suck.

'Well of course I believed, but I never really thought it was true.'

'Just who the heck are you to decide who's naughty or nice? Quit trying to impose your ideas of morality on everyone else!!'

'I'm going to tell him I've been good on the chance that my reputation hasn't preceded me.'

Santa contemplates whether or not to leave presents.

'He sees me when I'm sleeping, he knows when I'm awake...'

'HA! Just as I thought! These are DAD'S fingerprints, not SANTA'S.'

"I wonder how Santa got my pony into such a small box?"

"Well... I don't believe in you either!"