Salad Eater Humorist Gifts

'Remember -- no salt on the raw vegetables!'

'I think the salmon is thoroughly smoked.'

"I'd like the garden salad with the blue cheese dressing, and my mother would like me married by age thirty."

'Mildred-thy milk runneth over!'

"That's it. We’re toast."

Soup of the month.

"War is hell and so is this soup."

'Be honest. Does this double bacon cheeseburger with large fries and shake make me look fat?'

"You're lost. This is Mom's apple pie."

"I feel like we are the polyester of dairy products."

"Waiter, can you heat this up? The wild salmon got cold while I was posting it to Instagram."

"The most I'll splurge on my diet is on a boneless, skinless carrot."

'I think I'll go home and eat'

The Coffee Shop Vats of New Jersey

Health and Safety Gone Mad.

The British Territory of the South Sandwich Islands.

'The Burrito King.'

"All the butter was gone. There was no way out. The puff pastry had to be made with margarine... from a tub."

'Take of the fruit and eat . . . Well, peanuts actually.'

'Dial 1-900-Fortune.'

'Lining my pockets with aluminum foil so I can sneak Thanksgiving leftovers home.'

"No thanks, I'm stuffed."

"That’s a toaster. It’s a tanning bed for bread."

'I think it's more than a coincidence that I discover fire, and my wife discovers burnt food on the same day.'

"I'll have the spaghetti, does that come on toast?"

Garlic Free Zone.

'Yes, I am impressed at how fast you got here, but where's my pizza?'

'Hey, pal... do you have a wine that tastes like beer?'

"The salad should be delicious. We ordered it with lots of extra bacon bits."

"What do you suggest...the tuna fish or the peanut butter and jellyfish sandwich?"

"Waiter, there's a hare in my salad!"

"Bottled, tap or toilet water?"