Salad Eater Humorist Pillows

'Remember -- no salt on the raw vegetables!'

'I think the salmon is thoroughly smoked.'

"I'd like the garden salad with the blue cheese dressing, and my mother would like me married by age thirty."

'Mildred-thy milk runneth over!'

Soup of the month.

"That's it. We’re toast."

"War is hell and so is this soup."

'Be honest. Does this double bacon cheeseburger with large fries and shake make me look fat?'

"You're lost. This is Mom's apple pie."

"I feel like we are the polyester of dairy products."

'The Burrito King.'

'Dial 1-900-Fortune.'

The Coffee Shop Vats of New Jersey

'Take of the fruit and eat . . . Well, peanuts actually.'

The British Territory of the South Sandwich Islands.

Health and Safety Gone Mad.

"Waiter, can you heat this up? The wild salmon got cold while I was posting it to Instagram."

"All the butter was gone. There was no way out. The puff pastry had to be made with margarine... from a tub."

"The most I'll splurge on my diet is on a boneless, skinless carrot."

'I think I'll go home and eat'

"The meatloaf just tapped S.O.S. in Morse code."

"No thanks, I'm stuffed."

'Lining my pockets with aluminum foil so I can sneak Thanksgiving leftovers home.'

I'm freshwater. Make it a margarita without salt.

"That’s a toaster. It’s a tanning bed for bread."

Garlic Free Zone.

"I'll have the spaghetti, does that come on toast?"

'I think it's more than a coincidence that I discover fire, and my wife discovers burnt food on the same day.'

Get your no-turkey recipes here! Eco club. Go veggie for T-day! No thanks! I like turkey, sausage, stuffing, creamed onions with bacon and mincemeat pie. I figured as much. How can you tell? Gut check. That's my gut reaction, too.

'Yes, I am impressed at how fast you got here, but where's my pizza?'

'Hey, pal... do you have a wine that tastes like beer?'

"The salad should be delicious. We ordered it with lots of extra bacon bits."

'Barb had her stomach replaced with a mouse's stomach to help her eat less.'

"What do you suggest...the tuna fish or the peanut butter and jellyfish sandwich?"

"Waiter, there's a hare in my salad!"