Sacrificial Humorist Gifts

'What are you giving up for Lent this year?' - 'Anchovies.' - 'I thought you hated anchovies?' - 'I do. Care for a cookie instead?' - 'Lent is supposed to be about challenge and sacrifice!' - 'Play to win, Baby!'

"The oracle demands the sacrifice of a virgin or an update of its operating system."

'According to our statistics department, 78.93 of the statistics they produce are worthless.'

"The water changes them back into babies. I think they call it the Fountain of Youth."

Indian rajah rowing elephant in a monsoon flood.

Wolf Danny With "Random""The work must be tantamount to mayhem. Making an insatiable public confused, indifferent, annoyed—this is the premise on which rests my deliberately vacuous oeuvre."

"Gee, thanks pal."

Priest's 'To do' list.

Swiss army hospital...'scalpel...'

"And on the eighth day, God sat back with a scotch and soda and waited for the critical reviews."

"Wait 'til my Dad hears about this!"

Two priests share a laugh outside a confessional booth

"That's an awfully large small intestine and an awfully small large intestine."

"Intelligent design...well, duh!"

"Is it me, or is Jasper Johns a genius?" "Über-genius, Larry. Über!"

Welcome to Mauritius Home of the Dodo Burger

"This cruise is getting a very stern review from me, I can tell you."

"We should start a church where we only read the parts of the bible that are never read in church."

At the 2021 Religious Games

Non-Creative Writing, Also Known as Plagiarism 101.

'No, smart guy -- it means all of them at once!'

'I don't think the employees like me.'

"I see the White House didn't lower the flag to half staff."

'I'm told you've been born again, again and again. . . ?'

'Mr. Dunbarter, your fantasy that 'greed is good' may be a case of economic insanity.'

Exciting potato bugs.

"That's not a knife crime initiative. That's a knife crime initiative!"

"Mainstream? Who's to say what's mainstream?"

"So, like, don't make any big plans for this weekend."

'He doesn't like people walking in - try crawling.'

"I'm starting my own movement—Occupy Fifty-Seventh Street."

"Damn it, nurse! I didn't ask for a twenty. I asked for a ten and two fives."

'It's a zen diaphragm.'

"I swear, Mr. Drumpf, I meant it in the best sense of the word." "Mr. Drumpf is a moron."

"Seriously, I used to be the staff of a guy named Moses, man the stories I could tell..."