Sacrificial Humorist Pillows

'What are you giving up for Lent this year?' - 'Anchovies.' - 'I thought you hated anchovies?' - 'I do. Care for a cookie instead?' - 'Lent is supposed to be about challenge and sacrifice!' - 'Play to win, Baby!'

"The oracle demands the sacrifice of a virgin or an update of its operating system."

'According to our statistics department, 78.93 of the statistics they produce are worthless.'

Indian rajah rowing elephant in a monsoon flood.

Wolf Danny With "Random""The work must be tantamount to mayhem. Making an insatiable public confused, indifferent, annoyed—this is the premise on which rests my deliberately vacuous oeuvre."

Priest's 'To do' list.

"Gee, thanks pal."

Swiss army hospital...'scalpel...'

Two priests share a laugh outside a confessional booth

"Wait 'til my Dad hears about this!"

"And on the eighth day, God sat back with a scotch and soda and waited for the critical reviews."

"That's an awfully large small intestine and an awfully small large intestine."

"Intelligent design...well, duh!"

"We should start a church where we only read the parts of the bible that are never read in church."

At the 2021 Religious Games

"Is it me, or is Jasper Johns a genius?" "Über-genius, Larry. Über!"

"This cruise is getting a very stern review from me, I can tell you."

Welcome to Mauritius Home of the Dodo Burger

Non-Creative Writing, Also Known as Plagiarism 101.

"So, like, don't make any big plans for this weekend."

'I don't think the employees like me.'

"I see the White House didn't lower the flag to half staff."

"Mainstream? Who's to say what's mainstream?"

'No, smart guy -- it means all of them at once!'

"That's not a knife crime initiative. That's a knife crime initiative!"

'I'm told you've been born again, again and again. . . ?'

'He doesn't like people walking in - try crawling.'

'Mr. Dunbarter, your fantasy that 'greed is good' may be a case of economic insanity.'

"I'm starting my own movement—Occupy Fifty-Seventh Street."

'It's a zen diaphragm.'

"Seriously, I used to be the staff of a guy named Moses, man the stories I could tell..."

Guru.

"Damn it, nurse! I didn't ask for a twenty. I asked for a ten and two fives."

Looks Like They're Finally Renovating The Toilet

"I swear, Mr. Drumpf, I meant it in the best sense of the word." "Mr. Drumpf is a moron."