Sacred Comedians Gifts

"No, it's not a to-do lost."

"Hue More Church Candlelight mass 7:00pm - 8:00pm"

'I was hoping you'd sign them 'To my good buddy Moses!''

Moses uses the burning bush to roast a kosher frank

'I hope you ain't got no tax up here!'

Ten Commandments

Adam puts God on hold while texting.

St. Elmo's fired.

"Nice to see you replenishing the font with holy water vicar."

"Does the ark have wifi?"

Garden of Eden and scrumping

Applause

'Now, where was I when the lectern collapsed?'

'Catch a pair of chimps and do a complete makeover on them.'

"I hear he has a reputation as a loose Canon."

'Still no money, but a lot more IOU's than usual!'

"The time has come to reflect and ask ourselves... 'what would Jesus tweet?'"

"I hate his 'holier than thou' attitude."

'Just remember to get your punch lines in before they fall asleep.'

'One nice thing about this, it has overcome my fear of height.'

"... And the cold foam cascara nitro goes to Lazarus!"

"Well, son, in a way, I suppose Jesus was a trust-fund baby."

"Closed until further notice."

"It started as an out-of body experience but I forgot the password to get back in."

Third eye

"Oh, hi Pastor, I figured I didn't need to go to church - I ALREADY felt guilty."

'Yeah, my head gets cold, too, but the hat sends the wrong message.'

'Forget it - the nearest wi-fi hot spot is in Rangoon.'

Divinity School - Authorized Parsons Only

'...But I confessed to Oprah...isn't that in there?'

"I was lucky -- my parents went to Heaven."