Roulette Realist Gifts

'I don't like to take chances.'

"I agree, the place was a tear-down, but I just remembered we were only renting it."

Road Forks in the Road: No Way and Yes Way.

'Your salary will help you learn the lesson that life is not fair.'

"Son, the world is full of disappointments. About 7.7 billion of them."

"Bob & Sue 2011" "Sued Bob 2011"

"That whole internet dating thing....It killed me, I tell ya."

Platitudes for the hopelessly realistic. When life gives you lemons, get a gift receipt.

"I don't love you anymore, Barry, but I still think you're a great American."

"Have you ever given any thought to what you're going to do after all your hopes and dreams are crushed?"

Woman talking romantically whilst man talks about measuring the scullery.

Destination casinos...

"It was only when I started to write the story of my life that I realised I'd forgotten to have one."

"The pension crisis prompted me to consider alternative invstments. Like Roulette."

The point in every relationship, when annoying habits become intolerable...

"I've invented the wheel. We're going to be rich."

'Perhaps we should leave details of the divorce settlement until after we are married.'

A day at the FULL CIRCLE RANCH

'Will you marry me if I can get funding?'

"Happy anniversary, dear. How about a second honeymoon?" "Sure. Who with?"

"You never chase me through back yards anymore."

"I appreciate couples therapy, but I can't stop fantasizing about group therapy."

"I see fleeting moments of happiness in between extended periods of boredom and stress."

"You'll do laundry, you'll drink water...oh, and what's this? In the near future you'll clip your fingernails."

"My new year's resolution. . . .Not to drink out of the toilet."

Warning Being Alive On This Planet May Cause Cancer

'This is George, my divorce lawyer from a previous marriage.'

"You can't expect me to be dependable all the time!"

"Red 14...No, it's black 23, no, no..it's..."

Proverbs for Real Life. When one door closes it's probably locked and your key is on the other side.

"My primary challenge is to strip away the hardened carapace of societal expectations..."

'Dave, why did we marry?' 'You wanted part of the paper.'

Dear Diary...Resolutions

"Don't wag your tail. It shows you're desperate."

"We really need to have our rugs vacuumed professionally one of these days."