Rewards Program Humorist Gifts

"Jimmy's not a member of our rewards program."

You wrote a book report on a video game instruction manual?

'He takes his doodling very seriously.'

"My biggest weakness? I'm a perfectionist."

'Finish your homework first, Og... then you can watch the wall.'

The F.B.I.'s Least Wanted.

'... And I'd like to thank my agent and everyone who voted for me... '

Agree to disagree: you see him as a witness. I see him as a chaperone.

'I wish you had chosen a more pertinent educational issue than 'Do Dogs Actually Eat Homework?''

"If you are a Pulitzer-prize winner, press 1. All others, please press 2."

Joe's Tavern: Perfect Attendance

'Nice try, Billy, but dogma is not a puppy's mother!'

'Tell me about yourself. If I stay awake, you've got the job.'

'You reach an age where shredded homework is a lot easier to digest.'

'I'm having trouble with math. Is math an acquired taste?'

'Really, this award has come as a great surprise...'

"The boss says I've exceeded his low expectations of me!"

Bill finally receives a celery commensurate with his responsibilities.

Happy Retirement

General GI Joe: 'It's about time you were promoted, Joe!'

'This note from your teacher says you're doing great for a six year old. Doesn't she know you're fifteen?'

"My research on the effects of total inactivity in humans is nearing a breakthrough. Just one more 5-year grant should do it."

'I thought he was passing out homework!'

'You'll have to bring in your own refrigerator.'

'These homework patches reduce your cravings. This one is 'Chemistry,' but you can get them in any subject.'

'What do you mean you want a pay rise??? You only work once a year!!!'

"A T-Rex ate my mom while she was helping me with my homework."

'Sorry, you're not suitable for the post of Assistant Beggar.'

"The 2.3 billion dollar item, is that before or after the manufacturer's rebate?"

'Why did you offer the job to this one?'

"What's the point of being your sidekick if the courts won't recognize it?"

"I got a no TV for a week in math, a no dessert for a month in history, and a just wait 'til your father gets home in social studies."

'Your bloodwork reveals a slightly worrisome health plan.'

'Let's see... that's one 'last week's leftovers' and two 'third grader's homework', right?'

DRAFT BOARD