Promotion Humorist Gifts

General GI Joe: 'It's about time you were promoted, Joe!'

"This is probably not the time to admit I only joined the force because I figured we'd just be chasing cat burglars."

'Your decade of experience is, unfortunately, from the wrong decade.'

"My biggest weakness? I'm a perfectionist."

'Your salary will help you learn the lesson that life is not fair.'

'When training my son, keep him totally ignorant. I'm grooming him to be VP in-charge-of -denials.'

"You work well without supervision? Fat chance of that happening in here!"

Chicken soup for the sole.

Impressive qualifications, but seeing as how I'm trying to fill the position I just fired you from...

'Sorry, we can't offer you a job but we would like to publish your CV.'

'We're looking for someone who is willing to just do their job.'

Opp'y of a Lifetime

'Now then, Simpkins. What makes you think you could become a circus clown?'

This castle manager job better be for real.

'If he applies himself, there's no limit to what he won't be able to accomplish.'

Employment Agency. I didn't hire him -- Those bipedal guys are are afraid to get their hands dirty.

'You'll get a promotion when hell freezes over.'

"The thing is, you have to really want to change."

"When you grow up would you rather be a Hunter or Gatherer?"

These Sales Reps get more aggressive every year.

"So you wouldn't be interrupted while interviewing me, I took the liberty of calling in a bomb threat."

'If asked, we should all agree that this seminar never happened.'

'The candidate must be decisive and independently minded.' - 'Would I describe myself as 'decisive and independently minded'?' - 'Would you describe me as 'decisive and independently minded'?'

"Anything else...apart from the wheel?"

"Number four wasn't bad, at least he removed his personal CD earphones for most of the interview."

'My next song is a little ditty about why I don't have any references,'

'Sorry Sir, but 'impersonating a log' is not a very marketable skill...'

'True, I'm a robot, but I'm programmed to be a people person.'

I was rapidly rising to my level of incompetence, so I started screwing up just enough to maintain job security.

"Could you explain this 2500 year gap in your resume?"

Personnel Office. When you go into the job interview start snooping around. I hear they're looking for somebody who checks all the boxes.

'Wake up, Jim. It's time for your break.'

"An MBA, a PhD, AND good at catching mice? Wow!"

'I'm looking for something, like, 364 days a year.'

'Well, what about the two month gap in my reume? I fell into my sofa at home.'