Job Humorist Gifts

"So you wouldn't be interrupted while interviewing me, I took the liberty of calling in a bomb threat."

'I think I was fired.'

"Even our job has its own small mercies."

'Here, if you don't do windows, you're through!'

Sign on the Pearly Gates: Now Hiring.

"All social work staff are now required to have appropriate qualifications...Norman's is in accountancy!"

"You're hired. Stay!"

'I had a job once, sir, but I succumbed to sleep deprivation.'

'Have you ever been bonded?', 'No, but I've been married a couple of times.'

'Why did you leave your last job after being there for twenty years?' 'I got paroled.'

'And he wants to be a road block!'

'Look, buddy -- I'm just trying to do my job!'

'I need a hug. I was laid off at the fish factory.'

"You'll be happy to know that the small salary you're being paid makes it cost prohibitive to replace you."

"This is probably not the time to admit I only joined the force because I figured we'd just be chasing cat burglars."

'Your decade of experience is, unfortunately, from the wrong decade.'

'When training my son, keep him totally ignorant. I'm grooming him to be VP in-charge-of -denials.'

"You work well without supervision? Fat chance of that happening in here!"

'Your salary will help you learn the lesson that life is not fair.'

Impressive qualifications, but seeing as how I'm trying to fill the position I just fired you from...

'We're looking for someone who is willing to just do their job.'

"You’d think being anthropomorphic would be enough but nowadays you need a Masters to even get your foot in the door."

'Sorry, we can't offer you a job but we would like to publish your CV.'

Opp'y of a Lifetime

'I was just ringing to see if you'd got the email about my letter.'

This castle manager job better be for real.

'Now then, Simpkins. What makes you think you could become a circus clown?'

'You'll get a promotion when hell freezes over.'

"When you grow up would you rather be a Hunter or Gatherer?"

'You say here that hard work doesn't scare you as long as you hide your eyes.'

'The candidate must be decisive and independently minded.' - 'Would I describe myself as 'decisive and independently minded'?' - 'Would you describe me as 'decisive and independently minded'?'

"Anything else...apart from the wheel?"

"Number four wasn't bad, at least he removed his personal CD earphones for most of the interview."

'My next song is a little ditty about why I don't have any references,'

'True, I'm a robot, but I'm programmed to be a people person.'