Job-related Humorists Gifts

"You're not the only one who thinks they've got the worst job in the world."

Pounding speeds up the computer.

"So we are agreed then, most of the targets we've set staff are completely unreasonable and we should just scrap them."

'This job is for a 30 hour week. . .but to achieve that you need to work 60 hours a week.'

'Is that the sweet smell of success or some imitation air freshener?'

"This is probably not the time to admit I only joined the force because I figured we'd just be chasing cat burglars."

'Your decade of experience is, unfortunately, from the wrong decade.'

'Everyone in the company wears one, Yomp! It's what keeps us focused!'

Ants dressed as businessmen going to work.

'Your salary will help you learn the lesson that life is not fair.'

"You work well without supervision? Fat chance of that happening in here!"

'It was going well - until his power suit short-circuited.'

"I'm trying to lure in Generation X-ers. They're the new sandwich generation. They're sandwiched between caring for their kids and caring for their parents. So they drink lots and lots of coffee."

'My firm has an entire department that does nothing but adjust for inflation.'

Employee of the Month Parking

'When training my son, keep him totally ignorant. I'm grooming him to be VP in-charge-of -denials.'

"Personally, I'd like to hire you, Mike, but the company has some serious concerns about your core competencies!"

Suggestions box in a toilet.

"In accordance with our new 'sharing of responsibilities initiative,' you'll all be responsible for getting my coffee." i

"Well, if you hadn't misfiled it in the first place it wouldn't have been lost."

"By 'dress down day', most of us mean not wearing a jacket!"

'Ask yourself, 'What is it I'm not doing?', and then ask yourself, 'What is it I'm doing too much?'.'

'Everyone's true personality comes out on dress-down Fridays, even the boss's.'

"My boss had security escort me out of the office today. I'm worried this means I won't be getting a bonus."

"Barlow, it's come to my attention that you've called in, 'Playing Possum' 8 days this month."

Go slow delegating authority. First learn how to delegate blame.

Performance management: "We decided to get rid of the carrot and keep the stick."

Impressive qualifications, but seeing as how I'm trying to fill the position I just fired you from...

The suggestion box.

"So how did the rest of the team respond to your promotion?"

'You might show a little excitement at the figures, Johnson!'

"Read the part when I invented micro management."

'And this is the computer that sends out our final demands.'