Job Title Humorist Gifts

'Don't you see, Bruno, your promotion from goon to vice-president-charge-of-busting-heads is just an empty title without a pay raise!'

"This is probably not the time to admit I only joined the force because I figured we'd just be chasing cat burglars."

'Your decade of experience is, unfortunately, from the wrong decade.'

'Your salary will help you learn the lesson that life is not fair.'

'When training my son, keep him totally ignorant. I'm grooming him to be VP in-charge-of -denials.'

"Today I came across antiderenuclearizationalityness."

Impressive qualifications, but seeing as how I'm trying to fill the position I just fired you from...

'We're looking for someone who is willing to just do their job.'

'Sorry, we can't offer you a job but we would like to publish your CV.'

"You’d think being anthropomorphic would be enough but nowadays you need a Masters to even get your foot in the door."

Opp'y of a Lifetime

This castle manager job better be for real.

'Now then, Simpkins. What makes you think you could become a circus clown?'

'You'll get a promotion when hell freezes over.'

"When you grow up would you rather be a Hunter or Gatherer?"

"So you wouldn't be interrupted while interviewing me, I took the liberty of calling in a bomb threat."

'If asked, we should all agree that this seminar never happened.'

'The candidate must be decisive and independently minded.' - 'Would I describe myself as 'decisive and independently minded'?' - 'Would you describe me as 'decisive and independently minded'?'

'You say here that hard work doesn't scare you as long as you hide your eyes.'

"Anything else...apart from the wheel?"

"Number four wasn't bad, at least he removed his personal CD earphones for most of the interview."

'My next song is a little ditty about why I don't have any references,'

'Sorry Sir, but 'impersonating a log' is not a very marketable skill...'

'True, I'm a robot, but I'm programmed to be a people person.'

I was rapidly rising to my level of incompetence, so I started screwing up just enough to maintain job security.

"An MBA, a PhD, AND good at catching mice? Wow!"

"He said his first word today - compensation."

'Wake up, Jim. It's time for your break.'

"You're not giving me the job because I'm 'over qualified'? Oh, don't worry, most of those qualifications have been falsified."

'Have you ever been bonded?', 'No, but I've been married a couple of times.'

'You must be the new guy, huh?'

'Tell me about yourself. If I stay awake, you've got the job.'

'Inside healer'

'Ageism at work'