Funding Humorist Gifts

"My research on the effects of total inactivity in humans is nearing a breakthrough. Just one more 5-year grant should do it."

Sen. Krupt. I don't tell constituents that we're fueling inflation. I say we're protecting consumers and thanks to us they won't have to worry about buying any cheap stuff.

Orchestra Class Air Guitar.

Restaurant. One thing you can still get for a single dollar is the waiter's opinion of you.

Man in Therapist office sees a sign: Therapy Is Expensive Bubble Wrap Is Cheap You Decide

Impressive qualifications, but seeing as how I'm trying to fill the position I just fired you from...

"Thank you, and may the I.R.S. accept all your deductions."

Budget reaction.

'The trick is to make them feel better about themselves without actually paying them any better...'

'The candidate must be decisive and independently minded.' - 'Would I describe myself as 'decisive and independently minded'?' - 'Would you describe me as 'decisive and independently minded'?'

The next step in human evolution was homophilanthropist.

'How do I know if it's seaworthy?'

"Does this mean my loan has not been approved?"

Corporate Head to others at meeting: 'Today is financial Arbor Day. We're going to find some worthwhile charity and plant a money tree.'

'Tell me about yourself. If I stay awake, you've got the job.'

'The next phase in which we carve the stones ornately will cost a little more than the previous ones.'

'Can you dance?'

Budget Opticians.

"I can't afford therapy. The inner child support payments alone are killing me."

"Sorry about the disguise.But we've had to reduce our budget for the 'witness protection programme'."

'That concludes the list of students with outstanding grades. And now for those of you with outstanding student loan payments...'

"But Kevin, why can't we have a proper jacuzzi like next door?"

"A preliminary market analysis indicates that money can buy us love at approximately $21.75 a bushel."

Dollar sign balloon.

Harper's Cat Speaks: 'To whom it may concern: I will be cutting down on kitty treats.'

Lateral Recruits

'I´m sorry, but I cannot show you the job description yet. We don´t want to lose you, even before you sign the contract.'

'Bascombe has put all his mutual fund assets into a blind trust, but it was set up so well he can't even locate it.'

Computer that runs on money.

"We need to diversify my retirement portfolio. How about a frivolous lawsuit?"

How much money do you want? How much have you got?

'All these bailouts are silly - why don't they just give everybody their own ATM machines?'

'The x-rays are conclusive. We found some extra money hidden in the secret compartment of your wallet.'

'You're not smiling, Stan. I guess my credit is a horror story.'

'The first thing I gotta do is pay off my loan. My roommate loaned me 6 bucks last week for beer.'