Investing Humorists Gifts

"The Capt'n maintains a balanced portfolio should include a number of off-shore accounts."

Symbols of Wall St: bull, bear, Humpty Dumpty.

"Your long-range investments would have made you a very wealthy man."

'Basically it's a stock that if a chain of near miraculous events would happen to occur, you'd make a bundle.'

The Contrarian funds

Investments.

"He downgraded Apple."

'In today's market news, losers outnumbered those who were wiped out.'

"It's this trend that leads us to believe we should supplement our oil commodities with investments in some of the Earth's rich vinegar and crouton reserves."

"Do your thing, Phil...lull them into submission."

"I invested in Chinese stocks just because of my ironic sense of humor - if it goes wrong, I can't even afford a bowl of Chop Suey!"

Sale - All Junk Bonds 50% Off.

The New Square Mile Regulator.

We live in turbulent times. Therefore I'm keeping you in turbulent stocks

Large cap funds

'Eddie, you've tried aggressive growth, multicaps, small caps, blue chips...now maybe it's time to try a support group for underperforming portfolios?'

'The action next week is going to be in bird seed, but if you quote me, I'll deny I said it.'

"I recommend that you dump the tech stocks and go into acorns."

'Eddie, politicians everywhere are kicking cans down the road, so maybe it's time to get in on the boom in tin.'

'It's a glorious day over Wall Street today, with barely a 20 chance of the sky falling.'

'How do I know if it's seaworthy?'

"I find a good cabernet is the best way to put my money where my mouth is."

"Let's first talk about how you could have done worse."

'A penny saved is a penny not stimulating the economy.'

'I'm beginning to worry -- everything I've got is tied up in investment newsletters!'

'I own Acme Drug stock, so fill this prescription with their product.'

"'Plummet' is such a harsh term, Mr. Dolan. We prefer to say priced 'below cost basis'."

Investor loses shirt in Eurozone meltdown.

'Your 401 (K) went down the drain, but if it's any consolation, you can keep the commemorative cup.'

'You may want to consider diversifying your portfolio.'

"I live for twenty four hours. How can I fund a 401 K?"

'If it's any consolation, your portfoilo is now in a far better place.'