Investor Humorist Gifts

"Your stock picks are ok - but I miss the warm personal touch of a human broker."

'I own Acme Drug stock, so fill this prescription with their product.'

'It's a glorious day over Wall Street today, with barely a 20 chance of the sky falling.'

"The Capt'n maintains a balanced portfolio should include a number of off-shore accounts."

'Why can't they call it a deer, or a squirrel market?'

"They've made these fund prospectuses much easier to read." Brochure states; 'Give us all your money and get lost."

Symbols of Wall St: bull, bear, Humpty Dumpty.

"Your long-range investments would have made you a very wealthy man."

'Basically it's a stock that if a chain of near miraculous events would happen to occur, you'd make a bundle.'

The Contrarian funds

Investments.

"It's this trend that leads us to believe we should supplement our oil commodities with investments in some of the Earth's rich vinegar and crouton reserves."

"Do your thing, Phil...lull them into submission."

'In today's market news, losers outnumbered those who were wiped out.'

'Gee! You must have lost some on this property!'

"He downgraded Apple."

"Cold drinks" "Tesla stock"

'There's a bear on line one and a bull on line two. Who do you want me to put through first?'

"I invested in Chinese stocks just because of my ironic sense of humor - if it goes wrong, I can't even afford a bowl of Chop Suey!"

'Stocks gyrated today on news life is full of suprises.'

The New Square Mile Regulator.

Investments: We have locally grown stocks.

If you're so good at picking winning stocks, why do you still have to work?

We live in turbulent times. Therefore I'm keeping you in turbulent stocks

Sale - All Junk Bonds 50% Off.

Large cap funds

"This is a penny stock. This is a prime stock and this is a laughing stock."

'The action next week is going to be in bird seed, but if you quote me, I'll deny I said it.'

'Eddie, you've tried aggressive growth, multicaps, small caps, blue chips...now maybe it's time to try a support group for underperforming portfolios?'

Garage Sale: Assorted shares of stocks.

"I recommend that you dump the tech stocks and go into acorns."

Morgue for Dot Com Stocks

"I find a good cabernet is the best way to put my money where my mouth is."

'Eddie, politicians everywhere are kicking cans down the road, so maybe it's time to get in on the boom in tin.'