Investing Humorist Gifts

"It's a deal! We start shorting the 'Shock and Owe' interventionist government economic bail out for the economy."

"The Capt'n maintains a balanced portfolio should include a number of off-shore accounts."

Symbols of Wall St: bull, bear, Humpty Dumpty.

"Your long-range investments would have made you a very wealthy man."

'Basically it's a stock that if a chain of near miraculous events would happen to occur, you'd make a bundle.'

The Contrarian funds

Investments.

"Do your thing, Phil...lull them into submission."

'In today's market news, losers outnumbered those who were wiped out.'

'Gee! You must have lost some on this property!'

"It's this trend that leads us to believe we should supplement our oil commodities with investments in some of the Earth's rich vinegar and crouton reserves."

"He downgraded Apple."

"I invested in Chinese stocks just because of my ironic sense of humor - if it goes wrong, I can't even afford a bowl of Chop Suey!"

'There's a bear on line one and a bull on line two. Who do you want me to put through first?'

The New Square Mile Regulator.

We live in turbulent times. Therefore I'm keeping you in turbulent stocks

Sale - All Junk Bonds 50% Off.

Large cap funds

'The action next week is going to be in bird seed, but if you quote me, I'll deny I said it.'

'Eddie, you've tried aggressive growth, multicaps, small caps, blue chips...now maybe it's time to try a support group for underperforming portfolios?'

'How do I know if it's seaworthy?'

"I find a good cabernet is the best way to put my money where my mouth is."

'Eddie, politicians everywhere are kicking cans down the road, so maybe it's time to get in on the boom in tin.'

"I recommend that you dump the tech stocks and go into acorns."

'It's a glorious day over Wall Street today, with barely a 20 chance of the sky falling.'

"Let's first talk about how you could have done worse."

'A penny saved is a penny not stimulating the economy.'

'I'm beginning to worry -- everything I've got is tied up in investment newsletters!'

'Your 401 (K) went down the drain, but if it's any consolation, you can keep the commemorative cup.'

"Can I interest you in a ledge fund?"

Investor loses shirt in Eurozone meltdown.

'I own Acme Drug stock, so fill this prescription with their product.'

"There's a worry that if we impose rules on hedge funds they may leave the UK..."

"'Plummet' is such a harsh term, Mr. Dolan. We prefer to say priced 'below cost basis'."