Humorist Investor Gifts

"The cool investors are paid with the contributions of the dorkier ones. It's a Fonzie scheme."

'How do I know if it's seaworthy?'

"A preliminary market analysis indicates that money can buy us love at approximately $21.75 a bushel."

"We need to diversify my retirement portfolio. How about a frivolous lawsuit?"

"The Capt'n maintains a balanced portfolio should include a number of off-shore accounts."

Symbols of Wall St: bull, bear, Humpty Dumpty.

"Your long-range investments would have made you a very wealthy man."

'Basically it's a stock that if a chain of near miraculous events would happen to occur, you'd make a bundle.'

The Contrarian funds

Investments.

"It's this trend that leads us to believe we should supplement our oil commodities with investments in some of the Earth's rich vinegar and crouton reserves."

"Do your thing, Phil...lull them into submission."

'Gee! You must have lost some on this property!'

'In today's market news, losers outnumbered those who were wiped out.'

Stock Market Research and Analysis

"He downgraded Apple."

"I recommend you invest in oil. Prices are down now, but auto leaks are up."

'There's a bear on line one and a bull on line two. Who do you want me to put through first?'

"I invested in Chinese stocks just because of my ironic sense of humor - if it goes wrong, I can't even afford a bowl of Chop Suey!"

We live in turbulent times. Therefore I'm keeping you in turbulent stocks

'Today the Yuan rose against the pork belly, the chicken beak, the eel, the wanton, and the egg noodle.'

The New Square Mile Regulator.

Sale - All Junk Bonds 50% Off.

Financial Advisor to client: 'Your portfolio still could earn money if you believe in the existence of junk bond elves.'

Tonight's Topic. How To Make a Killing In The Stock Market. I made a killing in the market once, but the only casualty was my investment.

Maybe it's time to stop giving our bones to a broker and start burying them in the backyard again.

Large cap funds

'Eddie, you've tried aggressive growth, multicaps, small caps, blue chips...now maybe it's time to try a support group for underperforming portfolios?'

'The action next week is going to be in bird seed, but if you quote me, I'll deny I said it.'

"I find a good cabernet is the best way to put my money where my mouth is."

'It's a glorious day over Wall Street today, with barely a 20 chance of the sky falling.'

'Eddie, politicians everywhere are kicking cans down the road, so maybe it's time to get in on the boom in tin.'

Without telling me, you invested my salary in The Infant Restaurant Critic. It's a funny story, actually … Weeks earlier, the cafe got a visit from a baby whose screaming and yelling can make or break the restaurant. If the baby eats the food, the eatery gets a good review online. If not, ouch. It's not Yelp, more like yell. Or whine. But like so many subjective concepts, this one can be corrupted. It turned out that the entrepreneurs behind The Infant Restaurant Critic were willing to compromis

"I recommend that you dump the tech stocks and go into acorns."

"Let's first talk about how you could have done worse."