Humorist Investor Gifts

"The cool investors are paid with the contributions of the dorkier ones. It's a Fonzie scheme."

'How do I know if it's seaworthy?'

"A preliminary market analysis indicates that money can buy us love at approximately $21.75 a bushel."

"The Capt'n maintains a balanced portfolio should include a number of off-shore accounts."

Symbols of Wall St: bull, bear, Humpty Dumpty.

"Your long-range investments would have made you a very wealthy man."

'Basically it's a stock that if a chain of near miraculous events would happen to occur, you'd make a bundle.'

The Contrarian funds

Investments.

'Gee! You must have lost some on this property!'

"Do your thing, Phil...lull them into submission."

'In today's market news, losers outnumbered those who were wiped out.'

"He downgraded Apple."

"It's this trend that leads us to believe we should supplement our oil commodities with investments in some of the Earth's rich vinegar and crouton reserves."

'There's a bear on line one and a bull on line two. Who do you want me to put through first?'

"I invested in Chinese stocks just because of my ironic sense of humor - if it goes wrong, I can't even afford a bowl of Chop Suey!"

"I recommend you invest in oil. Prices are down now, but auto leaks are up."

Financial Advisor to client: 'Your portfolio still could earn money if you believe in the existence of junk bond elves.'

'Today the Yuan rose against the pork belly, the chicken beak, the eel, the wanton, and the egg noodle.'

We live in turbulent times. Therefore I'm keeping you in turbulent stocks

Sale - All Junk Bonds 50% Off.

The New Square Mile Regulator.

Large cap funds

'Eddie, you've tried aggressive growth, multicaps, small caps, blue chips...now maybe it's time to try a support group for underperforming portfolios?'

'The action next week is going to be in bird seed, but if you quote me, I'll deny I said it.'

"I find a good cabernet is the best way to put my money where my mouth is."

'Eddie, politicians everywhere are kicking cans down the road, so maybe it's time to get in on the boom in tin.'

"I recommend that you dump the tech stocks and go into acorns."

'It's a glorious day over Wall Street today, with barely a 20 chance of the sky falling.'

"Let's first talk about how you could have done worse."

'A penny saved is a penny not stimulating the economy.'

'I'm beginning to worry -- everything I've got is tied up in investment newsletters!'

"There's a worry that if we impose rules on hedge funds they may leave the UK..."

"Can I interest you in a ledge fund?"