The Humorist Investor Gifts

"This doesn't look good."

"The Capt'n maintains a balanced portfolio should include a number of off-shore accounts."

'Why can't they call it a deer, or a squirrel market?'

"They've made these fund prospectuses much easier to read." Brochure states; 'Give us all your money and get lost."

Symbols of Wall St: bull, bear, Humpty Dumpty.

"Your long-range investments would have made you a very wealthy man."

'Basically it's a stock that if a chain of near miraculous events would happen to occur, you'd make a bundle.'

The Contrarian funds

Investments.

"Do your thing, Phil...lull them into submission."

"He downgraded Apple."

'In today's market news, losers outnumbered those who were wiped out.'

Stock Market Research and Analysis

'Gee! You must have lost some on this property!'

"Cold drinks" "Tesla stock"

"It's this trend that leads us to believe we should supplement our oil commodities with investments in some of the Earth's rich vinegar and crouton reserves."

'There's a bear on line one and a bull on line two. Who do you want me to put through first?'

"I recommend you invest in oil. Prices are down now, but auto leaks are up."

"I invested in Chinese stocks just because of my ironic sense of humor - if it goes wrong, I can't even afford a bowl of Chop Suey!"

'Stocks gyrated today on news life is full of suprises.'

We live in turbulent times. Therefore I'm keeping you in turbulent stocks

Maybe it's time to stop giving our bones to a broker and start burying them in the backyard again.

Tonight's Topic. How To Make a Killing In The Stock Market. I made a killing in the market once, but the only casualty was my investment.

Investments: We have locally grown stocks.

The New Square Mile Regulator.

'Today the Yuan rose against the pork belly, the chicken beak, the eel, the wanton, and the egg noodle.'

Sale - All Junk Bonds 50% Off.

Financial Advisor to client: 'Your portfolio still could earn money if you believe in the existence of junk bond elves.'

Large cap funds

"This is a penny stock. This is a prime stock and this is a laughing stock."

'The action next week is going to be in bird seed, but if you quote me, I'll deny I said it.'

'Eddie, you've tried aggressive growth, multicaps, small caps, blue chips...now maybe it's time to try a support group for underperforming portfolios?'

Without telling me, you invested my salary in The Infant Restaurant Critic. It's a funny story, actually … Weeks earlier, the cafe got a visit from a baby whose screaming and yelling can make or break the restaurant. If the baby eats the food, the eatery gets a good review online. If not, ouch. It's not Yelp, more like yell. Or whine. But like so many subjective concepts, this one can be corrupted. It turned out that the entrepreneurs behind The Infant Restaurant Critic were willing to compromis

Garage Sale: Assorted shares of stocks.

"I find a good cabernet is the best way to put my money where my mouth is."