The Humorist Investor Gifts

"This doesn't look good."

"The Capt'n maintains a balanced portfolio should include a number of off-shore accounts."

'Why can't they call it a deer, or a squirrel market?'

"They've made these fund prospectuses much easier to read." Brochure states; 'Give us all your money and get lost."

Symbols of Wall St: bull, bear, Humpty Dumpty.

"Your long-range investments would have made you a very wealthy man."

'Basically it's a stock that if a chain of near miraculous events would happen to occur, you'd make a bundle.'

The Contrarian funds

Investments.

"He downgraded Apple."

'Gee! You must have lost some on this property!'

"It's this trend that leads us to believe we should supplement our oil commodities with investments in some of the Earth's rich vinegar and crouton reserves."

"Do your thing, Phil...lull them into submission."

'In today's market news, losers outnumbered those who were wiped out.'

"Cold drinks" "Tesla stock"

"I invested in Chinese stocks just because of my ironic sense of humor - if it goes wrong, I can't even afford a bowl of Chop Suey!"

"I recommend you invest in oil. Prices are down now, but auto leaks are up."

'There's a bear on line one and a bull on line two. Who do you want me to put through first?'

'Stocks gyrated today on news life is full of suprises.'

Sale - All Junk Bonds 50% Off.

We live in turbulent times. Therefore I'm keeping you in turbulent stocks

The New Square Mile Regulator.

Financial Advisor to client: 'Your portfolio still could earn money if you believe in the existence of junk bond elves.'

'Today the Yuan rose against the pork belly, the chicken beak, the eel, the wanton, and the egg noodle.'

Investments: We have locally grown stocks.

Large cap funds

"This is a penny stock. This is a prime stock and this is a laughing stock."

'Eddie, you've tried aggressive growth, multicaps, small caps, blue chips...now maybe it's time to try a support group for underperforming portfolios?'

'The action next week is going to be in bird seed, but if you quote me, I'll deny I said it.'

Garage Sale: Assorted shares of stocks.

Morgue for Dot Com Stocks

"I find a good cabernet is the best way to put my money where my mouth is."