Investor Humorist Pillows

"Your stock picks are ok - but I miss the warm personal touch of a human broker."

'I own Acme Drug stock, so fill this prescription with their product.'

'It's a glorious day over Wall Street today, with barely a 20 chance of the sky falling.'

"The Capt'n maintains a balanced portfolio should include a number of off-shore accounts."

'Why can't they call it a deer, or a squirrel market?'

"They've made these fund prospectuses much easier to read." Brochure states; 'Give us all your money and get lost."

Symbols of Wall St: bull, bear, Humpty Dumpty.

"Your long-range investments would have made you a very wealthy man."

"Your stork analyst is here, sir."

'Basically it's a stock that if a chain of near miraculous events would happen to occur, you'd make a bundle.'

The Contrarian funds

Investments.

"Do your thing, Phil...lull them into submission."

'Gee! You must have lost some on this property!'

'In today's market news, losers outnumbered those who were wiped out.'

Stock Market Research and Analysis

"He downgraded Apple."

"Cold drinks" "Tesla stock"

"It's this trend that leads us to believe we should supplement our oil commodities with investments in some of the Earth's rich vinegar and crouton reserves."

"I invested in Chinese stocks just because of my ironic sense of humor - if it goes wrong, I can't even afford a bowl of Chop Suey!"

'There's a bear on line one and a bull on line two. Who do you want me to put through first?'

'Stocks gyrated today on news life is full of suprises.'

We live in turbulent times. Therefore I'm keeping you in turbulent stocks

Tonight's Topic. How To Make a Killing In The Stock Market. I made a killing in the market once, but the only casualty was my investment.

The New Square Mile Regulator.

If you're so good at picking winning stocks, why do you still have to work?

Sale - All Junk Bonds 50% Off.

Investments: We have locally grown stocks.

Maybe it's time to stop giving our bones to a broker and start burying them in the backyard again.

Large cap funds

"This is a penny stock. This is a prime stock and this is a laughing stock."

'The action next week is going to be in bird seed, but if you quote me, I'll deny I said it.'

'Eddie, you've tried aggressive growth, multicaps, small caps, blue chips...now maybe it's time to try a support group for underperforming portfolios?'

"I recommend that you dump the tech stocks and go into acorns."

"I find a good cabernet is the best way to put my money where my mouth is."