Humor Investor Pillows

'Your financial statements indicate to my trained eye that your tolerance for risk is low.'

'I'm beginning to worry -- everything I've got is tied up in investment newsletters!'

"I invested in Chinese stocks just because of my ironic sense of humor - if it goes wrong, I can't even afford a bowl of Chop Suey!"

Maybe it's time to stop giving our bones to a broker and start burying them in the backyard again.

Investor loses shirt in Eurozone meltdown.

"This little piggy went to market and lost a bundle in global high yield funds.."

"I recommend that you dump the tech stocks and go into acorns."

"The Capt'n maintains a balanced portfolio should include a number of off-shore accounts."

Symbols of Wall St: bull, bear, Humpty Dumpty.

"Your long-range investments would have made you a very wealthy man."

'Basically it's a stock that if a chain of near miraculous events would happen to occur, you'd make a bundle.'

The Contrarian funds

Investments.

Stock Market Research and Analysis

'In today's market news, losers outnumbered those who were wiped out.'

"Do your thing, Phil...lull them into submission."

"It's this trend that leads us to believe we should supplement our oil commodities with investments in some of the Earth's rich vinegar and crouton reserves."

'Gee! You must have lost some on this property!'

"He downgraded Apple."

'There's a bear on line one and a bull on line two. Who do you want me to put through first?'

Sale - All Junk Bonds 50% Off.

Tonight's Topic. How To Make a Killing In The Stock Market. I made a killing in the market once, but the only casualty was my investment.

We live in turbulent times. Therefore I'm keeping you in turbulent stocks

The New Square Mile Regulator.

Financial Advisor to client: 'Your portfolio still could earn money if you believe in the existence of junk bond elves.'

Large cap funds

'Eddie, you've tried aggressive growth, multicaps, small caps, blue chips...now maybe it's time to try a support group for underperforming portfolios?'

'The action next week is going to be in bird seed, but if you quote me, I'll deny I said it.'

'It's a glorious day over Wall Street today, with barely a 20 chance of the sky falling.'

"I find a good cabernet is the best way to put my money where my mouth is."

'Eddie, politicians everywhere are kicking cans down the road, so maybe it's time to get in on the boom in tin.'

'How do I know if it's seaworthy?'

"Let's first talk about how you could have done worse."

'A penny saved is a penny not stimulating the economy.'

'I own Acme Drug stock, so fill this prescription with their product.'