Humorous Investor Pillows

'A penny saved is a penny not stimulating the economy.'

"Yeah, this is some great corner - you wouldn't believe the cap rate."

'The action next week is going to be in bird seed, but if you quote me, I'll deny I said it.'

'Eddie, you've tried aggressive growth, multicaps, small caps, blue chips...now maybe it's time to try a support group for underperforming portfolios?'

"Your long-range investments would have made you a very wealthy man."

"My broker gave me this Wall Street rally cap."

Remember, a wise man said: "All Investments Are Faith Based."

"The Capt'n maintains a balanced portfolio should include a number of off-shore accounts."

Symbols of Wall St: bull, bear, Humpty Dumpty.

"Your stork analyst is here, sir."

'Basically it's a stock that if a chain of near miraculous events would happen to occur, you'd make a bundle.'

The Contrarian funds

Investments.

Stock Market Research and Analysis

"He downgraded Apple."

"Do your thing, Phil...lull them into submission."

'In today's market news, losers outnumbered those who were wiped out.'

'Gee! You must have lost some on this property!'

"It's this trend that leads us to believe we should supplement our oil commodities with investments in some of the Earth's rich vinegar and crouton reserves."

'There's a bear on line one and a bull on line two. Who do you want me to put through first?'

"I invested in Chinese stocks just because of my ironic sense of humor - if it goes wrong, I can't even afford a bowl of Chop Suey!"

Financial Advisor to client: 'Your portfolio still could earn money if you believe in the existence of junk bond elves.'

The New Square Mile Regulator.

Maybe it's time to stop giving our bones to a broker and start burying them in the backyard again.

We live in turbulent times. Therefore I'm keeping you in turbulent stocks

Sale - All Junk Bonds 50% Off.

First Little Piggy Investment Associates

Tonight's Topic. How To Make a Killing In The Stock Market. I made a killing in the market once, but the only casualty was my investment.

Large cap funds

"I find a good cabernet is the best way to put my money where my mouth is."

'Eddie, politicians everywhere are kicking cans down the road, so maybe it's time to get in on the boom in tin.'

'It's a glorious day over Wall Street today, with barely a 20 chance of the sky falling.'

'How do I know if it's seaworthy?'

"I recommend that you dump the tech stocks and go into acorns."

"Let's first talk about how you could have done worse."