Investment Humorist Pillows

'And this is our research department...'

"Let's first talk about how you could have done worse."

STRIP *Bloomerbery Money * Bad fund manager

Large cap funds

As the silence drags on, Karl regrets his choice of financial planter.

The Contrarian funds

'First the good news, your portfolio was selected for Wall Street's Bloopers and Blunders.''

'Just remember never to sell before the boom, or buy before the bust.'

"It's not surprising that there are venture capitalists but no venture socialists."

"Today's meeting concerns growth stocks."

Ace Investments - Tonight: financial advisors' softball league - small caps vs. big caps

"I've invested all your money into a government back security...the state lottery."

'I used to be an investor...now I'm a stock market philanthropist.'

Stock Market - "Yes, this is the Managed Funds Dept."

'If it doesn't go up don't buy it.'

'The All-American Fund - may contain trace amounts of overseas investments.'

'Of course your portfolio is balanced - your pharmaceutical holdings are 51% uppers and 49% downers!'

Investments.

"He's been called Canada's Warren Buffett? That's like 7-Up being called America's Dom Perignon."

'I've been neutral on this stock for years. Now I'm even more neutral.'

We live in turbulent times. Therefore I'm keeping you in turbulent stocks

"September can be a bad month for buying stocks...other bad months for buying stocks can be October, November, December, January, February, March, April, May, June, July and August."

'The forever postage stamps I purchased at 42 cents are now selling for 44 cents. That beats your investment portfolio.'

Sale - All Junk Bonds 50% Off.

"'Plummet' is such a harsh term, Mr. Dolan. We prefer to say priced 'below cost basis'."

"Actually, investing can be very relaxing. Ever try to stay awake reading a prospectus?"

'Your 401 (K) went down the drain, but if it's any consolation, you can keep the commemorative cup.'

"The Pharaoh wants me to invest in one of his new building projects, but I'm afraid it's all just a big pyramid scheme."

"It's this trend that leads us to believe we should supplement our oil commodities with investments in some of the Earth's rich vinegar and crouton reserves."

"I'm down to a dollar eighty-seven, a key support level."

"Do your thing, Phil...lull them into submission."

"He gives everybody the same advice. . . roll over your funds."

"I find a good cabernet is the best way to put my money where my mouth is."

"I've invested all my resources into whisky. I mean, where else could you get 43%?"

"I know I'm supposed to buy stocks when there's blood in the streets--but how about when there's phlegm?"