Investment Humorist Pillows

'And this is our research department...'

"Let's first talk about how you could have done worse."

STRIP *Bloomerbery Money * Bad fund manager

Large cap funds

As the silence drags on, Karl regrets his choice of financial planter.

The Contrarian funds

'First the good news, your portfolio was selected for Wall Street's Bloopers and Blunders.''

'Just remember never to sell before the boom, or buy before the bust.'

"It's not surprising that there are venture capitalists but no venture socialists."

"Today's meeting concerns growth stocks."

Ace Investments - Tonight: financial advisors' softball league - small caps vs. big caps

"I've invested all your money into a government back security...the state lottery."

'I used to be an investor...now I'm a stock market philanthropist.'

Stock Market - "Yes, this is the Managed Funds Dept."

'If it doesn't go up don't buy it.'

'The All-American Fund - may contain trace amounts of overseas investments.'

'Of course your portfolio is balanced - your pharmaceutical holdings are 51% uppers and 49% downers!'

Investments.

"He's been called Canada's Warren Buffett? That's like 7-Up being called America's Dom Perignon."

'I've been neutral on this stock for years. Now I'm even more neutral.'

We live in turbulent times. Therefore I'm keeping you in turbulent stocks

"September can be a bad month for buying stocks...other bad months for buying stocks can be October, November, December, January, February, March, April, May, June, July and August."

'The forever postage stamps I purchased at 42 cents are now selling for 44 cents. That beats your investment portfolio.'

Sale - All Junk Bonds 50% Off.

"'Plummet' is such a harsh term, Mr. Dolan. We prefer to say priced 'below cost basis'."

I never asked you, what'd you do with that old shack you bought years ago? Which one? I've bought three. I have a whole portfolio of properties, Randy. Really? Yeah. There's the old shack by the toxic waste dump, there's the cardboard box in an alley in downtown Candorville, and there's that inner tube in the Pacific Ocean. Sad thing is, the way things are going, you're going to make a killing on those someday. You should see what I'm getting for those on AirBnB.

First National Bank. "Invest in the Future." I'd do that, but my money's all tied up in the past.

"Actually, investing can be very relaxing. Ever try to stay awake reading a prospectus?"

'Your 401 (K) went down the drain, but if it's any consolation, you can keep the commemorative cup.'

"The Pharaoh wants me to invest in one of his new building projects, but I'm afraid it's all just a big pyramid scheme."

"If you do such extensive research before investing, how is it you owned Taco Bell for 5 years before you found out it wasn't a Mexican phone company?"

"It's this trend that leads us to believe we should supplement our oil commodities with investments in some of the Earth's rich vinegar and crouton reserves."

"I'm down to a dollar eighty-seven, a key support level."

"Do your thing, Phil...lull them into submission."

"He gives everybody the same advice. . . roll over your funds."